( I assure you that my mother was dead sober during this conversation, and that her phone talents are like this on any given day. She’s cool like that.)
Me: Hi! Mom?
Mom: HELLO?!??!!? HOLD ON!!!!
Me: Um, okay.
Me: Mom? Hello? Are you okay? I only need a min-
Mom: THERE’S A COP. I CAN’T BE ON THE CELL. CAN YOU HEAR ME????
Me: Why are you…why is there…please stop yelling, I can call you later-
Mom: NO! I CAN TALK! I’VE GOT THE PHONE ON THE PASSENGER SEAT!
Me: Wow. Fantastic. Mom, why don’t I just call you ba-
Mom: CAN YOU BELIEVE THEY’RE BUILDING A DRUGSTORE NEXT TO ANOTHER DRUGSTORE!?!? I’M GOING TO THE DRUGSTORE! YOU KNOW, THE FIRST ONE!
Me: Mom? I’m gonna call you back. Try not to crash the car or get arrested or anythin-
Mom: I’M FINE! WHAT DO YOU NEED?!!??!
Me: Just wanted to know when you are-
Mom: DID YOU EAT TODAY?!?!?!
Me: Yes, mom, I ate today. Just wanted to know when you and Dad are-
Mom: WHAT DID YOU EAT? CARBOHYDRATES? THEY HELP YOUR REFLUX, YOU KNOW!
Me: Mom, I ate. I ate carbohydrates. I ate both cats and half the population of Savannah. I just wanted to know-
Mom: I WORRY WHEN YOU DON’T EAT
Me: Mom, please, I swear to every deity ever imagined that I ate. I just wanted to know when you and Dad were-
Mom: OH, THE COP IS GONE!
Me: Fabulous. Does that mean less yelling?
Mom: What? What are you talking about? What do you need?
Me: My eardrums thank you.
Mom: What are you talking about? Did you eat today? Was it healthy?
Me: *slamming face repeatedly against wall*
Me: OHMYGOD, I JUSTWANTEDTOKNOWWHENYOUANDDADARECOMINGBACKFROMVACATIONAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!
Mom: There’s no need to shout.