Welcome to today’s installment of Actual Conversation Theater

People have asked me if my Actual Conversation with my mom was real, to which I replied “Oh lordy, yes, please send Valium” but then I started thinking about my dad, and our “conversations.” To be completely fair, I adore my dad, and my daddoo and I have fantastic conversations face to face, but on the phone? Let’s just say that both of my parents have…issues…with talking on the phone. For very different reasons. Example!

*ring ring*
Me: Hi! Dad?
Dad: MmmmHmm.
Me: How are you?
Dad: Mmm? Fine.
Empty Conversation Space: (…….)
Me: So! Dad! What’s going on?
Dad: Nothing.
Empty Conversation Space: (………)
Me: So…Um…How’s work? Your students cool this semester?
Dad: Hmm. Pains in the ass.
Me: Great! Uh…And everything else? Anything?
Dad: Mmm? Fine.
Empty Conversation Space: Jeeeeeezus Keeeeee-rist. Make the pain stop.
Me: OH! Oh! Got it! The dog! How’s the dog?
Dad: Pain in the ass.
Me: Oh. Okay. So…anything else?
Dad: Nope.
Empty Conversation Space: Thank God.
Me: Oooookay! Um…Talk to you later?
Dad: Yep.
Empty Conversation Space: GET ON WITH IT ALREADY! YOU’RE KILLING ME! HANG UP THE DAMN PHONE!
Me: Well, I was just calling to say that my hair is on fire and lizards are raining from the sky. Nothing important.
Dad: Mmmhmm. That’s nice. I’ll tell your mother you called. Loveyabye. *CLICK*
Me: Nice? Talking to you? Hello? Um…Okay. Bye! Love you! Hello? Oh, forget it.


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