Actual Conversation between me and Lifetime Movie Network

Me: Wow, is this movie awful. I cannot believe I’m watching this crap.

LMN: Hush. It’s Sunday! There’s nothing else to do!

Me: Well, I guess I could write, or, ya know, go outside or something…

LMN: I won’t stand for such blasphemy. Now snuggle up with the cats and watch that chick from “Thirtysomething” pretend to be a shrink for DJ from “Full House”

Me: Isn’t that one of Dante’s circles of hell?

LMN: You know you love it.

Me: Fine. Now let me get this straight. DJ is catatonic after her parents were murdered, right? And everyone thinks she did it? And now she’s got this shrink, and there are a bunch of random people also, who will clearly become red herrings in this storyline?

LMN: Yoooooooou betcha.

Me: I can feel my brain cells dying.

LMN: That’s my job!

(time passes. I try to change the channel several times, but cannot summon the strength to do so)

Me: Oh! Thirtysomething chick is climbing a ladder! Eleventy million bucks says one of the ladder rungs suddenly gives out with dramatic music!

LMN: Sorry, didn’t hear you.

(ladder rung gives out, with dramatic music)

Me: BOOYAHHHH!

LMN: Didn’t hear you, sorry.

Me: Damn, this movie was certainly made in 1995. Check out the mom-jeans and oversized oxford shirt on whatshername. And Oh god, she’s wearing a vest as well. Awesome. And I’m not even getting into the issue of her hair.

LMN: Just because you never figured out how to give yourself the Bridge and Tunnel bangs back in the day is not my fault.

Me: Did I mention that DJ Tanner is wearing Leonardo DiCaprio’s old hair? Cause it is SUPER attractive.

LMN: Now you’re just being mean. Accurate, but mean.

Me: Oh, thank christ, it’s over. I’m outta here.

LMN: Except not, because coming up is a teen anorexia movie with Lynda Carter as the mom. You’re not going anywhere.

Me: DAMMIT!!!!!!!!


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