A Plea to the Masses

A Plea To The Masses!

(I have accidentally erased this THREE TIMES, and yet I persist. This is the magnitude of my plea.)

Internet denizons! I call upon you to answer my plea! A plea based in SCIENCE, chock full of SCIENCE, exploding with SCIENCE so that wee bits of SCIENCE get all over you and that will make you feel very special and smart, and then you can go out and play, for you have done your good deed for the day.

What is this SCIENTIFIC plea? It’s very easy. A monkey could do it. In fact, I WISH a monkey could do it, for that would be awesome, and we know that monkeys are very important to SCIENCE.

I want YOU, my interwebby chums, to answer me this:


What’s that, you say? You don’t HAVE embarrassing songs on your iPod? I see how you are. Full of LIES. All you do is LIE every moment of the day, and everyone knows that lying makes the baby Jeebus cry, and I hope you are very pleased with yourself. Because EVERYONE has at least one song that they downloaded in the middle of the night in complete secrecy, perhaps under the influence of chemical refreshment, that you SWORE no one would ever ever know about, you will take that song that you secretly love but would ruin your reputation FOREVER to your GRAVE rather than confess it.

I want you to tell me what that song is. And the reason I want to know is that, obviously, it will make me feel better about myself.

(and SCIENCE.)

So before you are all “Pshaw! I only have rare bootlegs from 1974 of bands so obscure, so cool, so UNDERGROUND that you could not even listen to them, because the awesomeness would make your head EXPLODE because you are a pathetic little person with no musical taste at all.” Remember that every time you lie, a fairy falls down dead. Splat. And also, lying is not very scientific.

Confess! It will do your heart good. Let that weight off your shoulders! And most importantly, it will make me feel better about myself. And that, of course, is the most vital thing.

Do it now. Do it for science. Do it for you. But mostly, do it for my ego.

PS: and for the loveagod, if you don’t have an iPod, don’t use that as an excuse. Reference your CDs, your tapes, your vinyl, your 8-tracks, your pan flute. Whatever. There are no loopholes in SCIENCE.

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