Me: Internet, we need to talk.
Internet: Well, come sit by me, baby. What’s on your pretty little mind?
Me: I’m not falling for it today. The platitudes, the lovey-speak. I can’t do it. This relationship…it’s just not healthy. Something has to change.
Internet: I don’t know what you’re talking about, angel-face. You know I love you!
Me: Oh, I love you so much! I lo-Wait. Wait, no, we really need to talk. Stop doing that.
Internet: What am I doing, my precious little cupcake, other than worshiping and adoring you?
Me: You’re making me lose focus. Look, some shit has gone down in the last week that makes me think that maybe you’re punishing me a little bit. In a very passive-aggressive way. I’ve written down some examples…
Internet: You didn’t cheat on me with Word, did you? I thought I corrupted that program for good this time.
Me: No, Word isn’t working right no-Hey! What did you just say???
Internet: I said that you look utterly irresistible in those overalls.
Me: Oh, okay, aw, thank you…Wait, dammit! I’m trying to make a point here! Okay, so here’s some points I wanted to make regarding some shady behavior on your part that I’ve noticed lately.
Internet: I’m all ears, my sweet love.
Me: Sigh. Okay. Now, yesterday for example. You let those hackers into my site, my beloved bloggity blog, and they redirected my stats counter to a Russian mail order bride website. I lost everything! Why did you do that? Is this because I can’t seem to decide on a browser? I always come back to Firefox, you know that.
Internet: When you do that, I don’t know from day to day which shoes to wear to compliment my browser. It’s confusing.
Me: The internet wears shoes?
Internet: FABULOUS shoes. Hey baby, let’s stop talking about this and go look at shoes. Look, I’ve got Zappos aaaaaall bookmarked for you. My treat.
Me: Ooooooh, yeah, let’s see what’s new for fall…NO! No, we’re not looking at shoes. We’re talking about our relationship!
Internet: How about pants? I love you so much, baby. Let me show you some pants that will make your ass look FANTASTIC.
Me: Oh, pants…NO! No, and this is another point I wanted to make! My credit card cannot take it, with all the books and music and dvds and shoes and pants! I am unemployed, Internet, you KNOW that! It’s all I can do to scrounge the money to keep you CONNECTED every month! And all you do is enable me to buy things I can’t afford! The Program talks about enablers, you know. We just…we can’t go on like this. It’s not healthy.
Internet: You know, as you’ve been adorably rambling, four of your friends have changed their Facebook statuses, and you’ve got seventeen new RSS stories to read.
Me: Oh, CRAP! Okay, lemme check. Hey, do you think I’ll get some nice comments on my last post? Oh, and I uploaded a bunch of new pictures to Flickr, better check that too, and oh, hold on, it’s my turn on Scrabble, and I’ve got MamaPop comments to read…
*MANY, MANY HOURS PASS*
Internet: *smokes cigarette with a satisfied and sated grin*
Me: *looks blearily around for all the time and energy I have misplaced, like underpants after a one night stand*
Me: What was I saying? I feel like I was saying something before.
Internet: You were just telling me how much you love me. And I love you too, baby. I’m not like the others, my darling. I’ll never ever leave you. Now stop worrying that pretty little head of yours and let’s go find some precious little jewelry with charms that look like sushi rolls.
Me: You’re right…I don’t know what I was thinking. I love you too, Internet. Are you…sure I wasn’t saying something before?
Internet: Shhhhh, my darling. Shhhhhhhhhhh…