eHarmony Can eBite Me

I am a single woman. Free as a bird. No strings attached. Woo, feminism and hear me roar and let me burn that bra. No man for me! My bathroom is so clean!

It sucks.

It sucks, and I don’t care if all the militants are getting the vapors, I am being honest. I am lonely as hell, and after over two years (YEARS) of being single, I have had just about enough of it. I’m not the random hookup kind of gal, (not that there’s anything wrong with that, it’s just not my bag, man) and since I don’t have any friends in the area, I don’t so much…leave my apartment. Ever. I have awesome, tremendous, fiercely loved friends, don’t get me wrong, and I’d waltz through blazing fires for any of them, but there’s not a one of them who could just randomly come over for a cup of coffee and a bad movie. Not an option. Yeah. Suck.

“So go out!” my friends wail. “Meet people! Do things! Stop spending eleventy million hours on the internet every day and go interact with actual people!” Well, this is easier said than done. For one, where the hell do I go? My whole adult life, the only social venues I have utilized are friends’ houses and bars. And I am not allowed to go to bars anymore, in case you haven’t heard. I have crippling social anxiety, and the concept of New People terrifies me. No new people! Only people who have read the dossier regarding Mah Crazy: Let Me Show You It! For I am vair, vair uninterested in having to carefully reveal the dramz to anyone new. I have a feeling it would end with “and then he ran away like his dick was on fire.”

And to be honest, I was really destroyed by my last breakup. I’m not going to trust a new person for a really long time. There are also other factors of acursed circumstance that the internet doesn’t get to hear, but yeah, going out and finding a local cat to start the awkward beginning-dating thing? Eeesh. Not really interested, thanks.

I can just picture my personal ad now:

“SWF seeks SM for possible LTR. Enjoys tv, playing on the internet, yarn, and coffee. SM must be open to mental illness, addiction recovery, arts and crafts addiction, pop-culture obsession, random goofiness, clumsiness, and cleaning up after barfy cats. Please have a job, your own apartment, a wicked sense of humor, and a bank account of your very own. No man-children, meanies, or frattys, please. Email only, the phone gives me anxiety attacks.”

Woo, buddy, they’d be knocking down the door! Not that I’d ever place a personal ad. I have been on one (1) personal-ad date in my life, about five years ago. It was awful. But not in the way you probably guess. Nope, he was gorgeous, talented, funny, smart, (did I mention gorgeous?) and, drum roll…HE DIDN’T LIKE ME. Oh, that’s just GRAND. So no. No personal ads.

(At this point, my friend cuparfyfe is eating his own face and screaming at the computer screen about how all I do is self-sabotage and dig my own grave re: relationships. He is…not wrong.)

So what the hell is my point, for the love of God’s argyle socks? What was the reasoning for this blithering rant, when clearly I am not actually going to DO anything about this situation other than point at myself and howl “UNLOVABLE!!! MENTALLY DISEASED!!! RUN AWAY!!!”

My point is that fucking eHarmony dot com should not use a dude who resembles Zippy the Pinhead in their commercials to motivate me to “find my match.” Do NOT call me, Zippy. And tell JoJo the Dogface Boy he doesn’t have to bother either. I’ll just play some Facebook Scrabble with my beloved, if not geographically convienient friends and knit more hats for the cats.


eHarmony Can eBite Me — 5 Comments

  1. 1. eHarmony really sucks. The organization has fundamentalist christian underpinnings, from what I have heard, and has this intense questionnaire designed to “weed out” those who are as undesirable as the people who might have the slightest amount of mental illness or who, to be a bit more general, don’t ‘fit the type’ of someone who’d star in a television commerial for whole milk.

    2. zippy the pinhead is freaking AWESOME. the dude who creates it–bill griffiths–is one hella cool dude. i brought him to the school where i got my master’s program for a conference on comics and graphic novels and i got to introduce him bat my eyelashes and such.

    3. it’s freaking hard to meet peopel.

    4. i hate the telephone, too. i think i have minutes from like the last 5 or 6 months all rolled over into some disgusting sum by now. i am, however, the queen of the text message. i have telephone anxiety that partially stems back to this stupid receptionist job i had right after i moved back to boston from florida. it makes me shudder to think of it…

    5. it’s your move on scrabble, babe…

  2. As as person whose love for pets borders on obsession, I recommend a dog. Random people, like myself, will always start conversations with you regarding your furry charge. Plus, dogs force you to go for walks at least 2 times a day and get you to join dog parks with other crazy dog people. I have met some really spectacular individuals in these venues (for relationships and otherwise). For your situation (cats, apartment) I would recommend an Italian greyhound (IG aka iggy). They are built like you and way cute (smaller version of my whippet). PLUS they need clothes so you can knit lots of outfits for them because they are small, thin, and have very short fur šŸ˜‰

  3. if I was into chicks I would totally answer that ad.

    Weds Aug 27th I’ll be over around 3 for bad TV and coffee.


    It’s been at LEAST 5 hours since I said I was excited. I am going to squish your head right off!!!!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

CommentLuv badge