HI! I’m STEWIE! And I’ve been paying attention to my mama when she plays on the magic glowing box so STEWIE can write on the magic glowing box! Stewie has things to SAY!
Ed. Note: Yes. I hate you so much. Soon I will eat your eyes. Your eyes that I hate. Hate.
YUCK! I don’t want THAT. All this stuff is good for is tracking all over the apartment. Ooooh, and I also take big mouthfuls and drop it in the WATER PLACE. Then I cryyyyyyy and cry and cry cause my water is now ICKY. Then I HIT the water place and it makes BUBBLES. Oh man. Oh man, bubbles are SO AWESOME. So I hit it AGAIN and oops, it’s all over the floor. Then my mama YELLS and talks about stapling me to a rocket ship to the MOON. Yay! I like travelling!
Ed. Note: Am big supporter of plan re: rocket ship to moon. Especially the stapling part.
YEAH! This is MUCH BETTER. This is the big food place where the food I WANT to eat lives. Oh buddy, you know what lives in here? DO YOU???? This is the place where the green olives live. THE GREEN OLIVES THAT I LOVE. There’s nothing better than a green olive. Oh man. Green olives. Anyway, I like trying to climb inside the big place where the food I never get to eat lives. Someday I’ll get in there and all those olives will be MINE!
Ed Note: Redacted: several pictures of what happens after the idiot eats. Let’s just say that we need to get carpet cleaner by the metric ton. Chew and swallow, you moron. It’s a puke minefield in here. God, I hate him.
So after I have food and puke, I go to the LITTERBOX. Lulu won’t let me put a picture up of the litterbox. She says it’s uncouth. I DON’T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
Anyway, when I go potty, I don’t go IN the box, no no no. I’m too BIG! So I just hitch my cute butt over the side and…what does Mama say? Oh, I "ruin the hardwoods, you’re ruining the hardwoods, oh my god, why do you have to be so evil, why why why???" Then Mama uses a whole can of something called "Febreze" and we all have a good cough.
Ed. Note: You’re welcome for the lack of photographic evidence. This is my life, people. Please adopt me.
What else do I do all day? I like HELPING. I help Mama in the shower by licking her legs all clean when she gets all that nasty WATER all over her. Then I rub alllll over her shins and leave her bunches of my fur on her nice clean legs. I like to SHARE!
Then I like to settle in with a nice book.
This is one of Mama’s favorite books, so I thought I’d SHARE THE LOVE. I can’t read, though, so I’m learning by OSMOSIS. I don’t know what that means, but it’s super YUMMY. I’m up to chapter 7!
Ed. Note: Oooooh boy, we almost got the rocket ship when the Woman found that. Muahahaha.
Boy, this writing thing is HARD. Good thing I spend the rest of the day NAPPING. Being the most baddest, naughtiest cat in the world is TIRING.
Ed. Note: Right after this picture was taken, he totally fell behind the cushions. The Woman would have taken another picture, but she was laughing too hard.
Yay, so that’s my day! I LIKE BLOGGING! But I am very very busy, and have a shoe to gnaw on. Oh man, it’s one of Mama’s favorites, too. WHAT FUN!
Okaybye, Internets! I LOVE YOU!