Things I Am Trying To Learn That Are Going As Well As Expected: Part The First

I have mentioned about seven million times that I am not exactly the most coordinated person in the world. I’d try to find a more accurate way of describing it, but other than "If you need me, I’ll be on the floor, bleeding profusely and wondering what the hell happened," I can’t think of one. Examples of my grace and dignity!

  • Falling while standing still. This happens a lot. I just start listing to the side and next thing I know, I’m on the ground. Vair useful when in public; attempting to impress a guy; at job interviews.
  • Dropping and/or spilling everything I attempt to pick up or carry. I can’t manage to pour a cup of coffee without getting most of it on the counter. I have remedied this by eliminating the middleman and pouring the coffee with the cup already in the sink.
  • Tripping over everything; see also: buying stock in BandAids. I have a coffee table that has corners not unlike razors. I have all but amputated my leg in the valiant attempt to walk to and deposit myself on the couch. I also have hateful cats that spend most of their time strolling around my feet and stopping short, ensuring a biff that lands me with carpet burns on my forehead.
  • Door frames. I cannot walk through a doorframe without smashing my shoulder into it, no matter how spacious the opening. I swear, one thing I miss about drinking is being able to blame these things on constant intoxication.

SO. Since I haven’t actually killed myself yet, despite opportunities at every sharp corner, (did you know you can rip off all the skin on your elbow simply by walking past a screen door? Well now you know!) I have decided to learn how to do something to enhance my coordination. Or finally end up in traction. One of those things. And that mission? To learn how to walk in THESE:

Shoes_001

 

STOP LAUGHING.

I’ve been walking around my apartment in them, trying to find that delicate balance that won’t send me careening into space, or shattering my ankles like so much fine crystal. It’s been going surprisingly well.

Shoes_003

 

 

QUEEN OF LIES.

See, my main problem is my feet. I have baby feet. I’m approximately 5’7, and I wear a size 6 shoe. My feet are TOO SMALL for my body. The balance just isn’t there. You try to make an orange stand on two toothpicks and see how steady she goes. And that’s my story, and I’m sticking to it.

Of course, this doesn’t help.

Cats_001_2

HI! HI! STEWIE DIDN’T SEE YOU!!! AM BLIND! YAY!!!

So you see, I have a lot going against me. But I persist! And boys? I totally do housework in the high heels. Aren’t you all aflutter now? I also wear them with Metallica t-shirts and boxer shorts. But I never forget my pearls!

And, of course, these.

Shoes_004_2


Comments

Things I Am Trying To Learn That Are Going As Well As Expected: Part The First — 2 Comments

  1. I trip over EVERYTHING. It’s a wonder that I still have all of my limbs. I swear, for a period of time, my coworkers were convinced that my BF was beating me up. And then they realized that, no, I really am just that klutzy.

  2. Yeah, um, have size 9 1/2 (on a good day) feet won’t keep you from being a klutz either. I’m also 5’7, by the way. All you can do is laugh at yourself when it happens.
    I love the shot with you feet up in the air. At first I thought it was supposed to be sexual, then kept reading and realized it was about falling. And those shoes are totally worth ankles shattered like fine crystal.

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