Taken from Twitter:
missbanshee: I wonder if I can lose ten pounds and still eat Twinkies.
KristaBat: As a staunch advocate of Spaghetti-Os, I feel I should understand your Twinkie love, but frankly, my dear, I’m a little concerned.
missbanshee: If I could only eat Twinkies and nachos, I would be a happy woman.
KristaBat: Fuck brain meds! Up with Twinkies and nachos! Hostess is going to take down Pfizer, I can see it!
Yes, this really happened. And it’s true, I have a love affair with those slightly sweaty, golden snack cakes, and I’m not ashamed of it. Do not judge me, dammit!
See, the thing is, I have a long and sordid history with anorexia. I used to look like this:
Note that I am also clutching a Cosmo, which was never my drink of choice, but WHO CARED, YAY BOOZE.
So anyway, blah blah, eating disorder, blah. It’s…kinda in control now, but I still have a lot of issues with food. Strangely enough, I also sometimes eat like a twelve year old boy. We’re talking Ellios Pizza, chicken nuggets, nachos, (Oh My God, NACHOS,) etc. And refined sugar. This is new.
I never had a sweet tooth until I quit drinking. This is not unheard of, as booze has a very high sugar content, and it’s a physical desire for that sugar that leads me to places like the candy aisle at Shop Rite and the crack den that is Friendly’s for Butterfinger sundaes. Did I mention I live across from a Friendly’s? It’s like living next to a meth lab.
So my love for Twinkies almost led to an altercation recently. I purchased a beautiful box of Twinkies, thinking the whole ride home "Nom nom nom, Twinkies, oh joy and rapture, I’ma gonna git MAH FIX ON, woot!" And THEN. Oh little baby Jeebus wearing Pampers in the manger, AND THEN.
BANANA. Banana Twinkies!!! What the hell is next, FROGS raining from the SKY?!?!!? This is an inexcusable PLAGUE ON SNACK CAKES. Thankfully, I realized this travesty before opening the box. After I stopped screaming, I got in the car and drove BACK to the store, the offending product concealed in a plastic bag.
missbanshee: *throws box of Evil Banana Twinkies on Courtesy Desk*
ShopRite Employee: Can I, uh, help you?
missbanshee: BANANA TWINKIES. A PLAGUE ON BOTH YOUR HOUSES.
SRE: They make banana Twinkies?
missbanshee: THE RAPTURE IS UPON US.
SRE: So, uh, you want to exchange those?
missbanshee: I WANT TO BURN THEM. LIKE WITCHES. And yes, please, I would like to exchange these.
Banana Twinkies. Oh the humanity.
What the hell is the point of this post, anyway, oh large and sage one?
STEWIE EAT TWINKIE WRAPPER! YAY! DOES THIS COUCH MAKE STEWIE LOOK FAT?
The point of this post? I’ma gonna get my Twinkie on. I’ll have it with a diet Coke, that’ll cancel out the calories. Everyone wins!