Oh Goody, She’s Talking About Twinkies Again.


Taken from Twitter:

missbanshee: I wonder if I can lose ten pounds and still eat Twinkies.
KristaBat: As a staunch advocate of Spaghetti-Os, I feel I should understand your Twinkie love, but frankly, my dear, I’m a little concerned.
missbanshee: If I could only eat Twinkies and nachos, I would be a happy woman.
KristaBat: Fuck brain meds! Up with Twinkies and nachos! Hostess is going to take down Pfizer, I can see it!

Yes, this really happened. And it’s true, I have a love affair with those slightly sweaty, golden snack cakes, and I’m not ashamed of it. Do not judge me, dammit!

See, the thing is, I have a long and sordid history with anorexia. I used to look like this:


Note that I am also clutching a Cosmo, which was never my drink of choice, but WHO CARED, YAY BOOZE.

So anyway, blah blah, eating disorder, blah. It’s…kinda in control now, but I still have a lot of issues with food. Strangely enough, I also sometimes eat like a twelve year old boy. We’re talking Ellios Pizza, chicken nuggets, nachos, (Oh My God, NACHOS,) etc. And refined sugar. This is new.

I never had a sweet tooth until I quit drinking. This is not unheard of, as booze has a very high sugar content, and it’s a physical desire for that sugar that leads me to places like the candy aisle at Shop Rite and the crack den that is Friendly’s for Butterfinger sundaes. Did I mention I live across from a Friendly’s? It’s like living next to a meth lab.

So my love for Twinkies almost led to an altercation recently. I purchased a beautiful box of Twinkies, thinking the whole ride home "Nom nom nom, Twinkies, oh joy and rapture, I’ma gonna git MAH FIX ON, woot!" And THEN. Oh little baby Jeebus wearing Pampers in the manger, AND THEN.

BANANA. Banana Twinkies!!! What the hell is next, FROGS raining from the SKY?!?!!? This is an inexcusable PLAGUE ON SNACK CAKES. Thankfully, I realized this travesty before opening the box. After I stopped screaming, I got in the car and drove BACK to the store, the offending product concealed in a plastic bag.

missbanshee: *throws box of Evil Banana Twinkies on Courtesy Desk*
ShopRite Employee: Can I, uh, help you?
SRE: They make banana Twinkies?
missbanshee: THE RAPTURE IS UPON US.
SRE: So, uh, you want to exchange those?
missbanshee: I WANT TO BURN THEM. LIKE WITCHES. And yes, please, I would like to exchange these.

Banana Twinkies. Oh the humanity.

What the hell is the point of this post, anyway, oh large and sage one?



The point of this post? I’ma gonna get my Twinkie on. I’ll have it with a diet Coke, that’ll cancel out the calories. Everyone wins!




Oh Goody, She’s Talking About Twinkies Again. — 13 Comments

  1. As sad as this is gonna be to hear – the original filling for the Twinkie was, in fact, banana. So really they’ve just been hiding their secret shame since like the 30’s. Yikes!

  2. Um, Stewart looks like he’s had one too many twinkies himself.
    The thought of banana twinkies almost makes me glad I can’t eat sugar right now. Almost.

  3. Um twinkies rule. They really, really rule. In all of their factory-made, disgusting-and-nothing-natural-or-wholesome goodness.
    There is, perhaps, one offensively nasty-but-delicious sugar-riddled snack food that is even better:
    the snack pie.
    Those 75 cent little grossly-sugar-coated half-moon-shaped pies with nasty yellow lemony filling goodness or nasty bright red cherry filling goodness (or apple, or blueberry, or…) inside. Oh how I have gross, huge, amazing fond attachments to those!
    Right now I am so fucking broke that I can’t even afford one. But my week has been so medicine-filled (albuterol! z-pack! codeine-laced cough syrup! sonata! zoloft! klonopin!), and I am so fucking hungry, that, oh, how I want a stupid, bad-as-all-hell-for-me snack pie. One lemon please!!!

  4. My drug of choice is baklava ice cream. They only make it at this one homemade ice cream shop in my town. It makes me CRAZY. Those little mini baklava nuggets buried in that honey laced ice cream make me swoon… I could live on that and / or cheese cake or kielbasa sausage… or graham cracker pie crust or steak or… damn I love food. This post made me drool. AND by the way Sada, those Hostess fruit pies are to DIE FOR…

  5. *Sigh* You’re so going to un-follow me in a minute, but here goes…
    I had no fucking idea they were making banana Twinkies again! I love fake banana flavor (weird cuz I don’t like real bananas) and I can’t wait to try these on my next cheat day.
    I can’t believe that’s you in the picture. You look so much better now. I’m proud of you for working through it!

  6. Is your implication that Elio’s isn’t part of a healthy diet? Because that runs contrary to everything I’ve been led to understand about nutrition. (Granted, that understanding is based on reading frozen pizza boxes, but they wouldn’t lie to me.)

  7. Sweet juju – Banana? that is a crime. My drug of choice are those little debbie creamed filled choc chip sandwich things. Good lord, I almost electrocuted myself from drool when I typed that last sentence. I commend you for opening up about “chasing the twinkie”.

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