Dear 2 A-holes across the courtyard: Even if you wear your stiff business suits, with your cockroach phone ear thingie in, scowling and never acknowledging me? You’re still picking up poop from your two yappy lap dogs. Dial down the attitude.
Frantically waving in vain,
Your weird, yet friendly neighbor.
Dearest Dad: I know how incredibly hard it is for you to talk on the phone in anything other than caveman-like grunts. I appreciate the effort you put forth to use actual words. I really do.
Keep up the good work!
Your favorite (and only) daughter
Dear Bathroom Wall: Why are you leaking? The thought of having the ceiling ripped out in order to fix you gives me heart palpitations. Please cease and desist.
Your grateful homeowner,
The woman who glares at you every damn day
Dear Cats: I…You…What the…I give up.
Your tormented slave,
Dear Dress I’m Wearing To The Symphony: Listen. I know. I KNOW. Between the Halloween candy and um…Mother Nature’s impeccable timing, you’re a little snug. Just a touch. A smidge. OH GOD PLEASE FIT ON SUNDAY, I AM BEGGING YOU.
Thinking skinny thoughts,
The woman shoehorning you on