That guttersnipe being of course, me. I’m going to the symphony today with my dear friend Captain Awesome, and I am nervous. Not for the symphony itself, I’m sure the musicians are very talented and will do quite well, but for the always terrifying prospect of being in a social situation.
So I’m putting on a nice dress and my high heels and I’m going to be less Eliza Doolittle and more My Fair Lady, if all goes to plan. If all goes to probability, I’ll fall down, swear in front of an old lady, and mortify my companion. Sigh.
See, the first problem is that I am…not a girly girl. Well, that’s not entirely true. I love shoes and handbags and glitter, and I cry at movies, and…okay, maybe I am a girly girl. But I’m not very good at it. I swear like a truck driver, I love loud angry music, I have a very dirty mind (hi, mom! Aren’t you glad you know that?) and I’ve always gotten along with guys better than girls. I have had this said to me on more than one occasion:
Dude: Give me your opinion.
Me: Certainly! I love giving my opinion. Too bad no one ever fuckin’ listens.
Dude: Well, (situation with a girl)
Me: This is what you need to do. (Gives sage advice.)
Dude: Yeah, but that’s YOU. I need a girl opinion.
Me: *wails* BUT I AM A GIRL!!!
So there’s that. I also tend to blurt things out that may or may not have anything to do with the situation at hand. Kind of like randomness Tourettes.
Dude: So I don’t know what to do, you know, regarding my job. I could lose it at any time unless the economy picks up, and my savings are negligible at best.
Me: I want cake.
I imagine this happening:
Captain Awesome: Oh, I’ve been looking forward to hearing the symphony for weeks! Thank goodness I brought someone who never embarrasses herself in public.
Me: I can’t walk in these shoes, will you carry me?
Captain Awesome: I…What?
Me: Just let me hop on your back. Don’t worry, no one will notice. Hey, doesn’t that violinist look like a ferret? She seems very ferretty to me. I hate pantyhose. Can we get nachos here? Yesterday I punched myself in the eye trying to put together the vacuum cleaner. I wonder what brand of cigarettes Obama smokes. Am I holding onto your neck too tight?
That will never do! I’m going to the symphony! In a dress and high heels! With Captain Awesome, who is really excited about going, and doesn’t need me accidentally telling anyone about Twinkies and glitter while I’m pretending to act like a civilized person! The people at the symphony don’t want to hear about reality TV or god help me, the CATS.
Maybe there IS something to be said for shutting up, smiling, and looking pretty. I’ll let you know tomorrow how many times I fall down and/or accidentally blurt out something about wanting to punch Shia LaBeouf in the face.
Wish me luck!