NaBloPoMo: This Is Bipolar

This is bipolar.
This is wondering if getting out of bed at all is worth it.
This is figuring it isn’t.
This is crippling loneliness.
This is terror of being abandoned.
This is learning that everyone leaves eventually.
This is begging for disability.
This is abject and complete shame for having to do so.
This is hating myself for what my brain does.
This is apologizing constantly for who I am.
This is mourning for what I can’t have.
This is devastation for knowing I never had it to begin with.
This is wondering if I simply deserve to feel this way.
This is my mind telling me I do.
This is crying until I make myself sick.
This is having no discernible reason to do so.
This is battling every day to not do rash and self-destructive things.
This is wondering if the pain will ever stop.
This is being sorry for everything I do, everything I say, everything I am.
This is deep self loathing that I wrote this self indulgent post to begin with.
This is me.
This is bipolar.



NaBloPoMo: This Is Bipolar — 9 Comments

  1. I dont know you personally(we have never met in person) but I for one am so happy you are here.I am so sorry you have hit this rough patch.Yes,you deserve to be here and need not to question why you are here.Besides kitten,who else would feed Stewie green olives and let him eat shoes??Lulu and Stubens need you and so do your fans so just know you are very needed and never alone

  2. I have a few bipolar friends, and trust me, once your meds get regulated out, there is light at the end of the tunnel. You will feel better. You have no reason to feel ashamed. No one deserves to feel like they should to feel this was.
    I feel you on the lonliness, as I live in the middle of nowhere and my “friends” won’t even bother to visit any more. I spend most nights on the couch, with my cats, getting chubbier by the minute watching crap on TV like Ghost Adventures. Just try to pick up the phone and call someone who cares about you. Try to get out of the house.
    And just remember there are people out on the interweb who would be crushed if you disappeared. You and your crazy sock monsters, you and Stuben & Lulu, You & your crazy neighbors, but mostly just you.

  3. I don’t know you personally either, but I read your blog every day. I know (experience) that in this moment there’s not much anyone can say to help, but I’m wishing you well from DC all the same.

  4. I’m having a hard time thinking of the right thing to say but I needed to say something. I think what you call self-indulgent (I call therapeutic) posts is a good thing. Now I’ll go before I sound any more Martha Stewart.

  5. I don’t think you’re being self-indulgent, I think it’s really brave and honest. Sorry we can’t all teleport and hug ya (yet =) thanks for sharing your stories and life, happy and sad.

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