AHHHHHHHHH! Son of a bitch. What do you bald monkeys WANT from my life?
Ooooooooooh no. Not today. You don't get HIM today. You woke me up, you get me. Understand?
Nope, you don't get THAT one either. Anyway, she's probably off taking pictures of her toys dolls collective figurines, anyway. That one, and don't tell her I told you this, THAT one is insane. She thinks I'm not listening, but I assure you, I AM.
I'm not even supposed to be here today. I'm supposed to be having dinner with Mr. Donald Trump, or at the embassy, sorting out my adoption plans with the King of Spain. So what do you want to know? OH. Yeah. The crazy one. Let me, and remember, this is only because she hates finding cat hair all over the computer, and her pain is my pleasure, let me recreate a conversation she had the other night. Behold the stupidity.
Friend of Banshee: So I'm thinking of wearing this dress to this event. It's smoking hot, and I look fabulous in it. So I think it's better than the other one, which I JUST bought, but is uncomfortable and not as fabulous as the other one.
Banshee: Well, the answer seems clear. I mean, obviously.
FOB: You're right. Obviously the first one.
Banshee: I want cake. Cake with frosting. MOCHA FROSTING.
FOB: Are you listening to me? Like, even a little?
FOB: I don't even know why I bother. Hey, dude, I'm on fire right now. Like, an actual fire is on me.
Banshee: I could eat an entire bowl of mocha frosting, you know.
FOB: Glad we had this talk.
Do you see now? I mean, do you SEE NOW? See how your IQ just dropped 30 points just by reading that? This is my life. I implore you once again to adopt me. Preferably a home with the following:
- Hardwood floors
- Very expensive furniture that I can shed on
- NEW food every hour on the hour. And shake that shit up, I don't eat stale food or any food that happens to be flat in the bowl.
- Crystal cat bowls.
- You know that Annie's Goddess salad dressing? I like that. Get that.
- Uninterrupted naps at all times.
And your home must not contain the following:
- Madwomen who cry and/or scream over the littlest thing
- And bitch about not being in a relationship
- Even though she never leaves the house
- What, does she expect FedEx to deliver Adrien Brody TO her?
- I mean honestly.
- And most importantly, your home will not contain THIS:
Obviously. Now get out of my way, and be QUIET. I have v. v. important things to do.