Actual Conversation: Common Sense Tries To Do Her Job

Scene: Morning. Cat is tromping on my head. I am pretending to sleep, heaving cat off my head approximately every sixteen milliseconds.

Common Sense, already up, showered, clothed in real, big girl clothes, with her hair done did and a cup of herbal tea in her perfectly manicured hand, cheerfully whispers in my ear.

Common Sense: Time to get up! It's a rainy and cold day, best to make the most of it by cleaning and doing errands, yes? Get up, silly!

Me: Zzzzzzzzzz. Zzz. Zzz!

Stewart: *stomp stomp stomp* O HAI MAMA, TIME TO PUT FOOD IN FOOD PLACE!

Me: Zzz, dammit! ZZZZZZZZZZZ!!!!

Common Sense: Well, okay sleepy head. Five more minutes.

Me: Zzz.

Fast forward one hour. I have securely locked the cats out of the bedroom, staggered back to bed, and am clinging onto my body pillow and have the covers over my head, save for a small opening for breathing purposes.

Me: Ahhh! Zzz.

Common Sense: Now stop messing around, young lady. You'll miss the best part of the day!
Me: This IS the best part of the day, asshole.
Common Sense: You have so much to do! Get up, get up, get up. Up, make the bed, take a shower, get dressed WITH REAL PANTS, make some breakfast, check your email and go out and do your errands.
Me: I'll get right on that, Skippy.

Fast forward one hour. I am on the couch, still in pajamas, clinging onto my third cup of coffee and scowling.

Me: I hate Rachael Ray. Why do I watch this?
Common Sense: Because you are insane. Remember, doing the same thing over and over expecting different results?
Me: I don't remember asking you, Pollyanna. Why don't you make a needlepoint that says "SUCK IT" in pink and blue?
Common Sense: Oh, you little crankypants. So delightful.

Fast forward one hour. I am IMing, fielding comments on a MamaPop post, consulting with my Boston grrls on some important pants-shopping, and looking for a topic to write for my article tomorrow.

Me: Lookit me! I'm working! Work work work! Aren't you PROUD of me?
Common Sense: You just spent 15 minutes looking at various pieces of jewelry with octopi on them.
Me: *gravely* That was VERY IMPORTANT OCTOPUS NECKLACE SHOPPING, dude. I was called for a consultation!
Common Sense: And you consulted, and then you trolled the shopping site for another…it's been half an hour!
Me: My life will not be complete without this shirt with The Golden Girls on it.
Common Sense: *sigh*

Fast forward one hour.

Me: You know, Annie's diagnosis is a sham. Borderline Personality Disorder does not include psychosis in the diagnostic requirements. It's a personality disorder, not a psychotic disorder. If the records are going to state that she's had a psychotic break, that's fine, or if there is a diagnosis of Bipolar 1 with psychotic features or schizophrenia, that's legit, but to simply blame a psychotic episode on a personality disorder is nonsense.


Me: I'm thinking of writing a strongly worded letter to ABC. That's lazy writing, right there. Someone in research needs to lose their job.
Common Sense: I give up.
Me: You…You give up? On me? On me, the person you LIVE in? The person you are part of? You GIVE UP ON ME?
Common Sense: *sobs* I'm sorry! I'm sorry!!!!
Me: THAT'S AWESOME! Let's go take a nap!!!!

Fast forward 10 minutes.
Me: Zzz.
Common Sense: Zzzz.
Cats: Destroy house, eat shoes, set apartment on fire, overthrow government, do not write letter to ABC.

No one cares, because, YAY! NAP! And Common Sense is beaten into submission for another day.


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