O HAI! Did you know it's winter? And during winter in the northeast, there's this thing called "snow." This "snow" comes from "clouds" in the "sky" and makes life very "difficult." And we have this very thing on MY ground, affecting MY life right now. And I like to receive some sort of memo before something affects my life.
I received no such memo.
So now we have SNOW and ICE. I spent last winter in Savannah Georgia, where there is NO snow, ever, and I am laughing my ASS off at the thought of Savannah residents dealing with snow in their tank tops and shorts and Crocs and the mass panic oh my GOD that would be so funny.
I'm sorry, Savannah residents. (Savannahians?) You know I love the spit out of you and your yummy, yummy food. (Plz send cheesy grits and grilled oysters STAT)
Where the hell was I? OH YEAH, SNOW AND ICE. My dad, being the practical and awesome person that he is, rigged a tarp over my car so as to protect it from the WINTRY MIX OF HELL, but there was ooooone little problem, and that was, there was so much of the WINTRY MIX OF HELL that the tarp was too heavy to remove from the car, and I needed to clean the whole damn thing off anyway.
Again, I really could have used that memo.
So I'm chipping away at the snow and ice, and I'm wearing my adorable "is she five years old?" outfit and my skull print wellies, and my motorcycle jacket, and this isn't doing it justice, here's a picture of my stellar ensemble:
And I'm digging and chipping and cursing and freezing, and I have no gloves and my hands fell OFF and then I had to find them with the STUMPS that were left, and it was all very sad indeed. But I persisted, yelling and bellowing at the top of my lungs in true Jillian Michaels words, which get me through every single one of her goddamn workouts, even when I would rather give myself a root canal with a rusty nail rather than do one more jumping jack and oh my GOD I need a sports bra, and this paragraph is so long, and anyway I YELLED, to exactly NO ONE Jillian's mantra:
YOU ARE STRONG!!!! THIS IS EASY FOR YOU!!!!
And I wonder why only one of my neighboring families talks to me.