Dear Sandy Claws:
I won't lie. 2008 kind of sucked. I almost died, I went to the 'hab, I was displaced for a year, the cats barfed a lot, I got rid of my beloved Chevy and now drive a Kia, and it gets beat up at the playground a lot…But a lot of good things happened too. I reconnected with a lot of old dear friends (Sandy, when did we all get old? And while we're on the subject, why is my jawline beginning to, well, sag a little bit? Is this a joke? Because I do not know where in Jillian's workout "firm the jaw" falls.) I got my awesome apartment, I have my family, and I started writing again, even with the marvelous betches at MamaPop! So there was an upside, too.
So in the spirit of the holidays, even though I am a Grinch of the first order, I have composed a list of things I would like for the celebration of little baby Jeebus gnawing on his pacifier in the manger. Behold, Sandy Claws, and take notes. I am a good girl at heart, even though I swear a lot (A LOT) and maybe do other naughty things. A lot.
- a monkey
- some cake
- Someone special who doesn't mind taking out the garbage
- six-pack abs
- an endless supply of Feria "Starry Black" hair dye
- self-regenerating coffee
- and filters
- more cake
- well behaved, non-obese cats (okay, this one is stretching your capabilities, I know)
- more shoes
- More time with my beloved friends. A transporter using pneumonic tubes may be in order, but I'll leave that up to you.
- NO MORE HEALTH CRISES.
- Some money. Any money. Got a quarter?
- Even yet still more cake.
- A pony
See? I have very simple tastes. AWESOME tastes, but simple all the same. So I leave it up to you, Sandy, to get on that. I don't have a chimney, so leave the loot on the back porch. What, you think I'm gonna open the DOOR for some strange man? I live alone, buster, and I'm armed to the teeth, so don't get any ideas. I'M the one who's always watching. Watching and waiting. Yes indeed.
So…hey, good luck on the 24th, buddy. Oh, while you're out there, can you clean the snow off the Kia? The neighbors are starting to frown on the endless string of expletives when I do it.
So thanks, Sandy Claws! And I promise I'll be a good girl in 2009. Wait. I'll TRY to be good. I'll make a VALIANT ATTEMPT to be good.
Okay, probably not.
I'm sleeping! Come anytime!