Lulu Returns to School You in the Ways of the Lulu

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Sigh. Hello, internet humans. Oh, I'M sorry, were you expecting the idiot fatty or the mentally deranged human? Tough tatas, interwebs. You get a lesson today, so get out your notebooks. These are some very important rules in the ways of the Lulu.

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This is a recreation of a NAP. During the NAP, I demand peace and quiet. This means you. No, the human behind you. YES, YOU. There will be no talking, no moving, no changing the channel, I'm watching Food Network with my eyes closed. Yes, I can do that. There will be no pestering, no crowing "Who is the most bee-you-tiful kittycat in ALL THE LANDS AND SEAS???" I already know it's me. There's no need to brag.

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This is the FOOD PLACE. Listen carefully, because this is extremely important. You may want to start taking copious notes. This filth, this GRUEL I am forced to eat is foulness the likes of which you cannot begin to imagine. Yet, I endure and eat it, lest I starve entirely to death. HOWEVER. I have standards, dammit. The food must be NEW when I decide to eat. No food that was in the bowl the last time I looked at it, no food where I can see even a nano-millimeter of the bottom of the bowl. It does what it's told or else it gets the hose.

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The idiot one is confused by the wretched meals we are forced to eat. See how frail and tiny he is? I mean, he's utterly fading away, he's so thin.

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Can you even see him, other than the protruding bones? So skinny!

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that was sarcasm, assholes.

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Thankfully, I am slender as the willow tree. But enough about such trifling matters. Who wants to talk more about me? Well, I was born into royalty, but kidnapped by ruffians at a very young age. I thankfully escaped, but was lost in a place called "Brooklyn" where I was seized by police and taken to an orphanage. That's where this one found me.

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Aren't. I. Lucky.

I'd type more, but I heard that my male human friend Stevil and his human girlfriend Meaghan are coming over, and if there's one thing I love even more than naps and making fun of the human and the fatty, it's MEN. I love human men. Oh man. I am such a whore. Look what it does to me, just THINKING about human men!!!

Cat stock 042 Positively goofy!!! How undignified!

So I'll leave you with this warning. Behave, and follow the Laws of the Lulu. You never know when you could wake up to THIS.

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Comments

Lulu Returns to School You in the Ways of the Lulu — 3 Comments

  1. LuLu,
    I, a lowly human and therefore not worthy of your feline goodness, bow to you.
    I will procure some male humans and offer them to you as a token of my lowly human admiration. ^..^

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