I won't lie, you have a LOT to prove to me. 2008, that wretched bitch, she and I had quite the falling out, and I will not stand for a repeat performance. Do you know how she said goodbye? I'LL TELL YOU. I spent the last night of 2008 on my couch, ALONE, watching Kathy Griffin and sucking down coffee, trying to make it to midnight to see if a goddamn light in the sky would shine down on my apartment and a big booming voice, not unlike James Earl Jones would say "MISS BANSHEE! WE KNOW THAT 2008 SUCKED LIKE AN ELECTROLUX, AND THIS YEAR WILL BE BETTER."
Well, I'm still waiting.
Oh! You want to know what happened in 2008? Well, you can just read the blog like everyone else, because I am NOT rehashing. Everyone's doing their end-of-the-year memes, and mine looks like a soap opera, with the disappearing and reappearing and rehab and comas and glorious temper tantrums. So read the blog if you want a recap, cause we've got bigger fish to fry, buster.
What do I WANT from you, 2009? Don't give me that wide-eyed innocent face. You know what I want. I want you to be BETTER. I want 2009 to be eleventy quadrillion times better than 2008. You're already working on it, I know. Nothing blew up at midnight, we've got a new president, one that I actually voted for who WON, which hasn't happened in a VERY long time, so you've got a couple of good things going for you. KEEP IT UP.
I have a few things I'm really hoping and wishing for this year, but they're things you and I can discuss through Orion. OH! If you didn't get the memo, I talk to Orion when I need to consult the cosmos. Yes, THAT Orion. The one in the sky. THE CONSTELLATION, oh my GOD, did you even GO to school??? So yeah, Orion and I have these little talks about important things that I can't say to other people or out loud, but you can totally listen in, if you promise to take dictation. I have some important shit to SAY, and believe it or not, I don't say it all on the internet.
Don't you raise your eyebrow at me, bucky. I'm not a loon or some kind of tree bark eating hippie for talking to a mess of stars. Shut up. Don't you judge me. I must say, 2009, you're pretty cheeky for a newbie. I respect that.
ANYWAY, I guess I'm gonna go to bed, since you also represent another year of growing into a withered old SPINSTER, if you get my drift, and I think you do. You can feel free to work on that too.
We all need a lot of help, 2009. I don't mean to layeth down such a smackdown on your first day on the job, but, well, tough love. We all need you to be BETTER. C'mon, little camper, I know you've got it in you.
Here's lookin' at you, kid.