Resolutions Are For Suckers

So this will be entitled:


Stuff I Will Try To Accomplish In 2009, Even Though I've Broken Several Already.

  • I will try to stop making excuses for other people's behavior. Sometimes an asshole is just an asshole, no matter how much I want them not to be.
  • Stop smoking.
  • More cheese.
  • I will spend more time with my amazing friends. This will include leaving the house more often, which is always a challenge, so, my next thing is:
  • Leave the house more often.
  • Be v. v. gorgeous and divine, and not wear pajamas all day just because I can.
  • Get a paid writing gig.
  • Start writing a book.
  • Keep up with that minx Jillian and really work on getting in/staying in shape. I know I curse the SHIT out of it all the time, but it's really good for me, and I'm going to press on, as my high school chemistry teacher used to say.
  • Keep people laughing, even if it involves interpretive dance with flaming batons.

And conversely,


Stuff That I Will Probably End Up Doing in 2009, Whether They Are Good Or Bad

  • Keep making excuses for people, because I have a passion for believing that people AREN'T assholes, no matter how much they prove me wrong.
  • Sigh. Smoking. I'm really going to try as a goal this year. I'll have a year sober on February 17, so I think that's a good new goal to have. It'll be wicked hard though. Argh. I need a cigarette.
  • More cheese.
  • Spending too much time on the internet. Because come on. I love the internet! It keeps me connected with all my friends, who, because I've moved eleventy million times, are ALL over the country, and unless someone gets on that pneumatic tube technology, it's the only way to keep up with people, unless I…
  • USE THE DAMN PHONE. When did we all stop using the phone? Why do we communicate through text messages and Facebook walls now? Man, I am old and crochety. So if I have your number, WATCH OUT, BUCKO, cause you never know when I'll call your ass. (and the rest of you, not just your ass.) (Although your ass is looking fantastic today, I must say.)
  • Keep writing, even though I don't get paid. I can't help myself, people!
  • Maybe think about writing a book. I'm not much for writing fiction, unless I'm trying to make myself seem funnier, so it would have to be non-fiction, which means it would probably be autobiographical, and whoa, that's certainly an undertaking, yes?
  • Keep working out. Seriously! I'd hate to disappoint Jillian. She scares me, you know.
  • Continue to make people laugh, and also be v.v. gorgeous and divine, even if I wear my pajamas all day sometimes. Try to avoid flaming batons for own safety.

And, of course, the real stars of the show have something to say as well:


  • Poop in bathtub.
  • Poop on floor.
  • Eat mama's sweaters.
  • And tights.
  • Barf in mama's shoes.
  • Nap.
  • More nap.
  • Get in closet for EVERS. And then eat Mama's shoes. But not the ones Stewie barfed in. That would be gross, even for Stewie.

And, of course, her Majesty:

Lulu's Manifesto for World Domination

  • Move to Spain, where the king will adopt me and take me away from this madhouse.
  • Woo my way into the family fortune
  • Become Queen of Spain
  • Invade Europe
  • Rule World.

Happy New Year, everyone!



Resolutions Are For Suckers — 5 Comments

  1. Can you PLEASE finish writing that story about the Catholic school girl who runs off with the hot guy from the pizza shop? As a special favor to me?

  2. Dear Stewie-
    You sound like a very good kittykat. My own kitty, Albert, has followed your lead and is now in my closet. As of this writing, there is no barf in my shoes, however.
    I look forward to your world domination. As much as I luuurve our new President, I think you would make an excellent world leader.

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