So a few weeks ago, VH1 was playing the "Top 20 Hard Rock Songs of All Time" and as Sweetney and I were madly Twittering the whole time, I was actually taking NOTES. Because I am a NERD. What can I say? I love hard rock, and everyone knows I have OPINIONS. Opinions I like to SHARE.
So here we go: The Top 20 Hard Rock Songs, according to VH1, with commentary by yours truly.
20. Bon Jovi: You Give Love A Bad Name: I am from Jersey, and it is REQUIRED to love Bon Jovi, dammit. Something they put in the water. Forget the mullets, dude. It's ol' Jon's PANTS that were extraordinary. I love that Jersey radio plays this song, like, every day. Ha! Love it.
19. Rush: Tom Sawyer: I cannot abide Geddy Lee's voice. Can't abide it. It makes my teeth hurt. Now, before I am killed by Rush fans, I KNOW they are amazing musicians, okay? I get it. But that doesn't change the fact that Geddy's voice makes me want to lobotomize myself.
18. Scorpions: Rock You Like a Hurricane: Another one they play on my radio station all the time. I forgot about this video! With the moving cage? Very metal, except the cage is obviously made of Nerf.
17. Twisted Sister: I Wanna Rock: Hey, Dee Snider! I do too! But this song is the epitome of cheese. Holy crap, they're touring again? Don't break a hip, dude. Props to Dee for speaking out against the PMRC though.
16. KISS: I Wanna Rock and Roll All Night: Hee. Heeeeeeeheehee. I remember the "KISS house in my grandma's neighborhood that was a squat for metalheads. I was not allowed near that house.
15. Motley Crue: Dr. Feelgood: This song is about DRUGS? A Motley Crue song about DRUGS?!?!? Well, knock me over with the proverbial feather.
14. Iron Maiden: Run To The Hills: ANOTHER one on endless repeat in NJ. I dare you not to howl "RUN TOOOOO THAAAA HIIIIIIILLS!!!!" when you hear it, though.
13. Def Leppard: Photograph: Hmm. Photograph? Not "Pour Some Sugar on Me?" I can muse over this because you KNOW I had the cassette. And I wanted pirhana pants SO BAD. Ahem. Don't you judge me!
12. Judas Priest: Breakin' The Law: I cannot listen to this song without thinking of Beavis and Butthead. And I LOVE that no one in the metal community cared that Rob Halford is gay. Metal is for everyone, dammit!
11. Deep Purple: Smoke On The Water: This song is about a famous Frank Zappa concert, so it can do no wrong in my book. Holy shit, they've been around for FIVE DECADES??? Rock really IS immortal!
10. Motorhead: The Ace of Spades: True story – in college, whenever there was a lull in conversation, my friend Gorman would say "What's Lemmy doing right now?" The answer is either "being awesome," or "kicking someone's ass."
9. Van Halen: Running With the Devil: Wow, this live show they're playing was NOT the right choice to showcase this song. Diamond Dave sounds like he just snorted fifteen bottles of rum. Which, you know, is always a possibility.
8. Aerosmith: Walk This Way: ICON. Everyone loves this song, right? RIGHT? I actually prefer the version with RUN-DMC, but your milage may vary. You'd be wrong, though.
7. Nirvana: Smells Like Teen Spirit: I understand why this is a very important and iconic song that started a huge music movement. I do. I get it. But I've never been a Nirvana fan. Feel free to flog me.
6. The Who: Won't Get Fooled Again: I love The Who, and this is an incredible song. The guitar! Roger freaking DALTREY! Incredible, amazing. Yes yes yes.
5. Metallica: Enter Sandman: Well, okay. I see that this is the song that made Metallica "for the masses," but I can name at least 20 better songs by Metallica. No really, I can.
4. Black Sabbath: Paranoid: Well, of course this is in the top 5. Interesting fact: Although Ozzy is absolutely incomprehensible when he speaks, his vocals on stage are exactly the same as they were in the '70s. The man is immortal. I love Grandpa Ozzy.
3. Led Zepplin: Whole Lotta Love: I'm not the most gigantic Zepplin fan, but I have no problem with calling them icons. The top of the icon list, actually. Just…well thank Jeebus it wasn't "Stairway."
2. AC/DC: Back in Black: Okay. I get why this is in the top 5, I disagree with the placement IN the top five. Granted that Brian Johnson was an eerily accurate replacement for Bon Scott, but…Oh hell, I'll say it. AC/DC gives me a headache. Am old.
1. Guns N Roses: Welcome To The Jungle: YES. YES YES YES. I have NO PROBLEM with this being #1. No problem at ALL. This song makes me want to get in a KNIFE FIGHT, and I think that's pretty goddamn metal. YES. Perfect #1.
So there you have it. A look inside my questionable musical tastes, and further proof that I watch waaaaaay too much VH1. What do YOU think? Should there have been different choices? Does my musical taste suck? Hit those comments!