I Am A Dippy, Dippy Broad: Evidence To The Fact

Scene: On porch, contemplating the universe smoking a cigarette

Me: Hmm, I seem to hear screaming. That's certainly interesting.
Upstairs Apartment: *scream scream something in Korean smash scream scream*
Me: Boy, she's gonna KILL her husband one of these days.
Upstairs Apartment: *screamy screamy scream*
Me: I notice that he's not even trying to argue back. Hope she's not yelling at his corpse, man. That would be rather tragic.
Upstairs Apartment: *CRASH*
Me: Hope that wasn't that pretty teapot she used when she had me over that one time.
Common Sense: CALL THE POLICE, OH MY GOD.
Me: Nah, it's just a spat! They're fine.
Upstairs Apartment: *SCREAMY CRASH*
Me: They're fine.

Scene: In bed. 1:45 AM.

Me: *squirm toss turn. Squirmy tossy turn.*
Common Sense: Settle DOWN, Twitchy. Time for sleeping.
Me: *SQUIRM! Toss toss kicky toss* SOMETHING'S WRONG!!!!
Common Sense: Nothing is wrong. You've checked the back door and the thermostat and the coffee pot and then you did it AGAIN. Everything is fine. Settle down with your audiobook and GO TO SLEEP.
Me: *kicky toss toss. Whimper.* Oh! I know!!! 1.2.3.4…
Common Sense: Are you…are you doing LEG LIFTS?
Me: And crunches! These abs aren't going to tone themselves, you know.
Common Sense: Naked leg lifts. At 2 AM.
Me: AND CRUNCHES! 1.2.3.4…
Common Sense: And you wonder why you're single.

Scene: In bed, different night. 2:14 AM

Me: *squirm toss toss. Squirmy tossy toss*
Common Sense: GO. TO. SLEEP.
Me: *writhe toss turn* SOMETHING IS WRONG.
Common Sense: Okay, you know what? We go through this every night. I'm going to sleep. You Riverdance yourself to sleep for all I care.
Me: *sulk. Sulk. Scratch cat's chin.* Something's wrong, Lulabelle. I can feel it.
Common Sense: Not LISTENING! Zzzzzzz!
Me: *scowl. Scritch under cat's chin. Turn up volume on iPod.* C'mon, Potter, lull me to sleep.
Front Door: SQUEEEEEEEEEAK CRASH!
Me: AHHHHH!!!!
Common Sense: AHHHH!!!!
Cats: *bolt*
Me: *leaps out of bed, dashes to front door, which is OPEN*
Me: AIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEE!!!!
Common Sense: AIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEE! You're NAKED! And you don't even have your GLASSES ON!!!!! Barricade yourself in the bedroom you IDIOT!!!
Me: *runs to door, which has blown open from the wind (because I didn't CHECK it because SOMEONE said nothing was WRONG) slams door, triple locks door, checks other door, checks coffee pot, checks thermostat, hops in bed, throws covers over head*
Common Sense: Okay. Let's go through what just happened. You hear the DOOR OPEN in the MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT, you LEAP from the bed, NAKED as a JAYBIRD, forgo your GLASSES which renders you USELESS, run to the open door, slam and lock the door, run around the apartment checking everything like a maniac EXCEPT if there is someone else in the HOUSE, which you couldn't do anyway because you're BLIND right now, and did I mention you HAVE NO CLOTHES ON, and then you HIDE UNDER THE COVERS???
Me: I blame you entirely. ENTIRELY!!! I need to calm down. 1.2.3.4….

001 

Has no problem sleeping, ever. EVER. Is also dippy, though.


Comments

I Am A Dippy, Dippy Broad: Evidence To The Fact — 3 Comments

  1. OMG call me Dippy Jr! A couple of years ago I TOTALLY thought someone was in my apartment…and I had JUST gotten out of the shower….so in my towel, hair wet, no shoes, I hid in the bathroom and called the police!
    Yeah….then it turned out it was air suction lifting the panel in my closet that led into the attic. Hehe.

  2. Is Stewie as cuddly as he looks? Because he looks panda cuddly. Not like the panda that attacked the nut job at the zoo. More like the cuddly panda of my imagination.

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