Whither The Muse?

I've been asked a lot about my "writing process." Well, it's a very deep and intricate situation that requires prime conditions and of course, the inspiration from the cosmos and my beloved muse, and…

Okay, I'm totally shitting you. I don't have a PROCESS, per say, I have a kind of…Well, let me act it out for you.

MISS BANSHEE'S WRITING PROCESS HAHAHAHAAHHA.

You will need:

  • One computer, laptop size
  • One couch, large enough to lie across
  • One television, set to reality programming or Food Network
  • Two cats
  • One large cup of coffee
  • Snacks as needed

Now, you need the proper mindset. Here's what goes on in my brain as I am getting ready to write:

"Okay! Let's write a blog! What shall we write about? Ooooh, I need more coffee."
"OKAY! Coffee acquired. Time to write. Writey writey write."
*stare at keyboard. Stare at cat. Stare at other cat.*
"I can't write about the cats again, I really can't. I'm THAT girl. The crazy cat lady. No, not today."
"But…But what about when Stewie was climbing the walls today and smashing his head into the closet door? The internet NEEDS to hear about that!"
"No."
"Okay, wise guy, what are we going to write about then?"
"We're not going to write, we're going to have a cigarette and IM with Snarky Amber for 20 minutes."
"Fantastic!"

And so on. This is why I end up writing reeeeeeally late at night, because there aren't as many things (like naps, shiny objects, or VH1 programming) to keep me distracted. But of course, there are some secrets to writing, some of which I will share with you now, and some I shall not, for I am v. v. mysterious and also good looking. (Wait, what?)

SOOPER SEEKRITS TO RITING GUD

  • Just start. Open the document and start. You can always go back and delete if you start with something nonsensical. Just start writing and something will come to you.
  • Mute the TV. I'm not saying to turn it off, that would be CRAZY TALK. But once you start going, try to eliminate the big distractions.
  • Keep GOING, little camper! If you hit a good streak, don't check Facebook, or get up to get coffee or smoke a butt. Just keep on truckin'.
  • This does not apply to bathroom breaks. Don't make a mess and then say "Oh, Miss Banshee said I couldn't go to the potty." That would be a LIE.
  • Talk out stuff in your head. Have a nice chat with yourself. This is especially useful when you're making up conversations between the cats taking dictation from your feline overlords. 
  • If you use pictures, ALWAYS have the camera at the ready. You never know when something ridiculous will happen that you want to document for all time, like your cat doing the Running Man in his sleep:

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  • For the love of little baby Jeebus pooping his Pampers, proofread. My grammar leaves a lot to be desired, but if your adorable tangent really DOESN'T go anywhere, you'll just reread it once it has gone to post and staple your palm to your forehead, your disgust at yourself will be so great.
  • Take it EASY on yourself! The blogging thing is for YOU first and foremost, it doesn't have to be Shakespeare every time, Jeebie Chrissie, look at the nonsense I write! You're doing this because you ENJOY IT dammit, so don't beat yourself up if you know a post isn't going to win a Pulitzer.
  • End the post well. Tie that sucker together, man! This isn't a Monty Python sketch, you can't have someone come in and say "This is entirely too silly!" and just STOP. I suggest ending with a picture. Something that encompasses the whole piece. 

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(foot brace optional)

And that's it! That's how you write a blog. Aren't you glad you asked???


Comments

Whither The Muse? — 2 Comments

  1. The last point is key.
    I like to put in some sort of “call back” (as it’s called in the comedy world.) Bring it all back to something, anything, you mentioned earlier in the post. It doesn’t necessarily even have to make much sense. People will think that your blog post had some sort of subtext and through-line that they just weren’t smart or hip enough to understand. You’ll know the truth: deus ex machina absurditus. I.e. bullsh*tting your way to sounding like you had a point.

  2. Side note: Your poor foot looks so sad.
    I totally agree about a good ending, the reason I suck at writing a blog- not that it stops me! I have trouble bringing anything to a close, even finishing sentences is

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