Welcome to Today's Actual Conversation Theater: TV Edition!
Friends of Banshee: You should watch "Lost."
Me: But why? I watch VH1.
FoB: Because it's AWESOME. And you need to watch something that isn't reality TV. All that crap isn't good for you.
Me: But…But I watch it for WORK! For RESEARCH!
FoB: Shhhhh. Watch "Lost." You can watch the whole series online.
Me: But why can't I just watch it when it's on, like everyone else?
FoB: Oh you COULD, if you want to RUIN it. It's been building up for four seasons. You have to watch from the beginning.
Me: This is starting to sound like a lot of work for a television show.
FoB: Worth it. Listen to us. We are all knowing.
Me: Eh, I dunno. MAYBE.
*six hours of watching Season 1 later*
Me: Okay. OKAY. You win. I'm totally hooked on this show, DAMMIT. You sure I can't watch it when it's on regularly?
FoB: No, you cannot.
FoB: Absolutely no watching.
Me: Really sure?
FoB: Do you want beatings?
Me: Not especially.
FoB: Then you shall not watch them out of order. THEY HAVE AN ORDER.
Me: Well, there's no need to shout.
Another situation happened with my mother, when she tried to tell me why "24" was worth watching. Behold!
Mom Banshee: You should watch "24."
Me: Why? I watch VH1.
Mom Banshee: What's on VH1? Don't they play music?
Me: I am not even going to START to explain. Trust me, it's better this way. Anyway, why should I watch "24?"
Mom Banshee: Well, there's all the suspense! And the action! It leaves you on the edge of your SEAT!
Me: Kiefer Sutherland is disturbingly short.
Mom Banshee: And the plotlines are so twisted! It's so exciting!
Me: Like, REALLY disturbingly short. How many apple boxes do you think he has to stand on in order to be eye to eye with the other actors?
Mom Banshee: FOCUS, CHILD.
Me: Okay, okay. So…it's exciting and Kiefer is short. Anything else I should know?
Mom Banshee: He never goes to the bathroom! And his cellphone never needs charging! And he never sleeps! And he never eats! Imagine all you could do if you didn't have to do all those things!
Me: You are SO Type A, mom. It's a little frightening. I wouldn't WANT to be like that at ALL! I enjoy napping too much. You're saying there are no naps on "24?"
Mom Banshee: Absolutely no naps.
Me: No naps…ever?
Mom Banshee: No time for naps! Gotta save the world!
Me: Not even a little cat-nap? Just a teeny tiny one?
Mom Banshee: You make ME need a nap.
Me: Well, that's not very nice.
See! THIS is why I don't watch scripted TV! It's so COMPLICATED! If I watch VH1 reality, I KNOW what's going to happen. Bret Michaels is going to make out with some gross strippers, Steven Adler is going to relapse in the Sober House, the guys in Tool Academy are going to make me thank the little baby Jeebus in the highchair that I'm single…I KNOW these things. They're comforting. There aren't weird things like "plots" and "character development" and "thinking" to worry about! If I want excitement, I'll watch Iron Chef! If I want drama, I'll watch the reality shows on BRAVO! I don't need no stinking actual plot-driven TV, do I?
Except don't tell me what happens on "Lost." I'm only five episodes into the first season, and I'd hate to have to kill you faster than Jack Bauer if you spoil it for me.