Okay, here's something I can talk about, that sort of relates to what I CAN'T talk about. Y'all? Do you know what I get told all the time, like, ALL the time?
"Miss Banshee? You are SO intense. Like, you're a really, really intense, intimidating person. People are intimidated by you. You can be a scary, angry girl."
Excuse me for a moment…
Dudes, that is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard in my ENTIRE LIFE. I am the OPPOSITE of intimidating. I am scared of EVERYTHING. All things hurt my feelings, or make me feel like everyone hates me. I cry ALL THE TIME. Right now? Right now at this very SECOND? I'm so torn up inside by things that I very well could be making up in my own head that aren't actually happening at ALL, that I have HIVES. Hives. On my neck and face and chest. From stress that I made MY OWN SELF.
Boo! How scary am I? (And incredibly attractive, yes? No.)
Here's the thing. I AM intense. I have very intense emotions, and I usually keep them completely bottled up, so maybe I get crazy eyes sometimes and flare up like a broken gas stove. That's something one of my shrinks said once, that the gauge on my emotions is broken, and sometimes I just WHOOSH up and set your eyebrows on fire. Not that I've ever set my eyebrows on fire, or anyone else's. People, I just TALK about throwing lit matches at people who annoy me! I never DO it! Yet.
See? Too intense. But that's just me. The worst thing anyone ever said to me as I was grousing about not having a significant other in my life was that I was too intense and not a "normal girl."
A Normal Girl.
Well, FUCK NO, I'm not a normal girl! What the hell IS a normal girl, anyway? I am who I am, I do what I do, I feel what I feel. And some of it ain't pretty. But I'll tell you this much for free. My "intensity" makes me the most loyal, forgiving, loving, caring person I can possibly be. I love FIERCELY. I would bleed out for the people I love without a second thought. I would run into a burning building to save a kitten. I would jump into a lake to rescue a kid. I'll never tell anyone your secrets. I'll hold you when you cry. I'll make you laugh. I'll hold your hand. I'll be the best person I can be, despite my myriad flaws. I'll try as hard as I can to be a good person.
I am not a scary girl. I'm just me.