Disease!!!

Scene: Bathroom, scowling at self in mirror

Me: *scratch scratch scratch* What is this? did a cat poke me whilst I slumbered? What is this red mark on my neck?

Common Sense: It's probably just irritated. Don't touch it.

Me: Huh. *scratch scratch scratch*

Common Sense: I'd really be better off talking to the actual walls around here.

NEXT DAY

Me: *scratch scratch scratch*

Common Sense: Stop DOING that! We don't know what it is, but I bet you eleventy million dollars that scratching it isn't the best thing to do!

Me: What? Oh, I'm sorry. I'm too busy being depressed. Depressed and itchy. *scratch*

Common Sense: *rolls eyes* Fine, have it your way. But don't come crying to me when-

Me: AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!

Common Sense: -when you look in the mirror.

Me: DISEASE! LEPROSY! My parts are going to start falling off! Oh, my poor parts.

Common Sense: I told you not to scratch. You need some Benedryl and hydrocortisone cream.

Me: Nah, it's fine.

Common Sense: You are a very, very bad person. To yourself. Fine, enjoy your leprosy.

NEXT DAY

Me: AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!
Common Sense: It's worse, isn't it.

Me: AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!

Common Sense: Hydrocortisone cream. And Benedryl.

Me: I need to consult the internet.

The Internet: Hydrocortisone cream and Benedryl.

Common Sense: I love the internet.

Me: Perhaps I should get some hydrocortisone cream and Benedryl. OOooh! But first, I need to Google "unexplained rash" and figure out what fatal disease I have.

Common Sense: I don't think that's really the best thing-

Me: AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!

Common Sense: -to do, cause you'll freak out.

Me: The internet says I have shingles, chicken pox, measles, a blood disorder and leprosy. Also I'm dying from scarlet fever and rubella.

Common Sense: I hate the internet. 

NEXT DAY

Me: Whoa. 

Common Sense: WHOA.

Me: I, um…I think it's time to get some Benedryl. And hydrocortisone cream.

Common Sense: I'll drive. 

002

Comments

Disease!!! — 4 Comments

  1. Dude, you haven’t been buying jewelry from unsavory sources, have you? I bought a necklace at Urban once that gave me the creeping crud — which spread from my neck to my toes. I kept wearing it because I thought it was so cute!! Then I ended up on steroids. Moral of the story = Don’t fear the crud. It’s almost always nothing.

  2. oh, i get shingles, chicken pox, measles, a blood disorder, leprosy, scarlet fever and rubella ALL THE TIME. especially at this time of year when my skin is all dry and cracked and flaky. i have found that panic and chaos and bitching help some, but benadryl and cortisone creams really do work. (also aveeno itch cream.)
    ps – can’t tell what your rash looks like, but it could also be pityriasis rosea, which is not dangerous but has the added advantage of being a MYSTERY RASH OF UNKNOWN ORIGIN. (it is also treated with benadryl, cortisone, and aveeno.)

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