An Actual Conversation About My Neck

SO. Hey! Remember how I had that hives situation? How I biiiiiiiiiiiiiitched and mooooooooooaned and no one caaaaaaaaaaared and boy howdy, does that make for riveting writing? WELL. I finally found out what it was. Hilarious.

Me: So, I have these hives. It's no big deal, but I'm going to Vegas next weekend, and I want them, you know, GONE so I can look sexy and fabulous. It's no big thing, but hey, vanity, right?

Clinic Med Student: Um, the last time you were in here, you were really sick. Like, REALLY sick.

Me: Yeah yeah yeah, that was a year ago, I had just gotten out of the 'hab and there was the whole coma and dying thing. I'm fine now. It's been a year.  Can we talk about the HIVES? Cause I'm here about the HIVES, not the dying thing.

CMS: (nervously) Okay…um…This instrument isn't working! Yeah, that's it! I've got to get the doctor on call!

Me: A likely story.

CMS returns with Actual Doctor.

Actual Doctor: Whoa, the last time you were in here, you were really sick.

Me: YES. Coma! Death! Rehab! Better now! The HIVES, woman, we're talking about the HIVES!

Actual Doctor: CMS, what do you think it is?

CMS: (looks even more nervous than before) Um, well, it could be a number of things…

Actual Doctor: Come on, you can do it.

CMS: Um…uh………Shingles?

Actual Doctor: Right! It's shingles!

Me: SHINGLES? WHAT THE FUUUUUUUUU…I mean, what the blazes am I doing with SHINGLES?

Actual Doctor: Stress. It's caused by stress.

Me: I'm not a PIRATE! SHINGLES? Are you kidding me?

Actual Doctor: Pi…rate?

Me: Isn't that what pirates got? On the high seas?

Actual Doctor: That's scurvy.


Actual Doctor: No, you have SHINGLES. Keep it clean and dry, and you'll be okay.

Me: So I have to go to Vegas with SHINGLES? And scurvy and RICKETS?

Actual Doctor: Just the shingles. You'll be fine. Your incredible stubbornness about coming in here means you've already passed the contagious stage.

Me: I never go out, I didn't give it to anyone.

Actual Doctor: Then keep it clean and dry and please leave, oh my god.


Actual Doctor: (flees)

Me: (smugly) Arr.



An Actual Conversation About My Neck — 6 Comments

  1. Ick(the shingles, not you, you’re very very pretty and not ick at all!)I had Shingles once. It suuuuuuuuuuucked. I was in middle school too so the other kids had a field day with me. Super fun, let me tell you!

  2. Frack! If stress causes shingles, I should have enough of them to roof a subdivision!
    I went on WebMD to learn more about shingles, because I wasn’t too sure about what they were. Then I got distracted by a bedbug slide show. Basically, WebMD has done nothing but creep me out. And maybe tell me I have a tumor.
    I hope you’re feeling better!!

  3. I love that you freaked out the med student. Once in a while I think they need that. Shingles? I’m confused because I thought only old people got that! Wrong. Must be wrong.

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