SO. Hey! Remember how I had that hives situation? How I biiiiiiiiiiiiiitched and mooooooooooaned and no one caaaaaaaaaaared and boy howdy, does that make for riveting writing? WELL. I finally found out what it was. Hilarious.
Me: So, I have these hives. It's no big deal, but I'm going to Vegas next weekend, and I want them, you know, GONE so I can look sexy and fabulous. It's no big thing, but hey, vanity, right?
Clinic Med Student: Um, the last time you were in here, you were really sick. Like, REALLY sick.
Me: Yeah yeah yeah, that was a year ago, I had just gotten out of the 'hab and there was the whole coma and dying thing. I'm fine now. It's been a year. Can we talk about the HIVES? Cause I'm here about the HIVES, not the dying thing.
CMS: (nervously) Okay…um…This instrument isn't working! Yeah, that's it! I've got to get the doctor on call!
Me: A likely story.
CMS returns with Actual Doctor.
Actual Doctor: Whoa, the last time you were in here, you were really sick.
Me: YES. Coma! Death! Rehab! Better now! The HIVES, woman, we're talking about the HIVES!
Actual Doctor: CMS, what do you think it is?
CMS: (looks even more nervous than before) Um, well, it could be a number of things…
Actual Doctor: Come on, you can do it.
Actual Doctor: Right! It's shingles!
Me: SHINGLES? WHAT THE FUUUUUUUUU…I mean, what the blazes am I doing with SHINGLES?
Actual Doctor: Stress. It's caused by stress.
Me: I'm not a PIRATE! SHINGLES? Are you kidding me?
Actual Doctor: Pi…rate?
Me: Isn't that what pirates got? On the high seas?
Actual Doctor: That's scurvy.
Me: I HAVE SCURVY?
Actual Doctor: No, you have SHINGLES. Keep it clean and dry, and you'll be okay.
Me: So I have to go to Vegas with SHINGLES? And scurvy and RICKETS?
Actual Doctor: Just the shingles. You'll be fine. Your incredible stubbornness about coming in here means you've already passed the contagious stage.
Me: I never go out, I didn't give it to anyone.
Actual Doctor: Then keep it clean and dry and please leave, oh my god.
Me: ARRRRRRRR! I'm a PIRATE!!!!!!
Actual Doctor: (flees)
Me: (smugly) Arr.