OK, Cupid, You’re Not Funny, OK?

I've kvetched and moaned a great deal about being single on this blog, and so with the encouragement of SnarkyAmber, my heterosexual life partner, I decided to sign up for a dating site, that shall not be named but rhymes with "Schmokay Lupid" and WHOA BOY I think it was a big fat mistake, and I'll tell you why.

I am so not hip enough to date, y'all. I'm a homebody writer who lives in the burbs of Jersey with two cats that I have intricate conversations with, and all these dudes Schmokay Lupid wants to set me up with are these Brooklyn hipsters who spend more time on their hair than I do, and wouldn't look at me twice, not even on a bet. I tried and failed to be funny in my profile, which is agony to begin with – you know what? Let's just go through the process.

THE PROFILE: Okay, what to put here. I'm 5'7 on a good day, I'm not so large that you would have to take a wall out of my apartment to remove me, I'm told that I'm funny, but that might be just people being polite…I don't know! This is why I can't do these things. I'm PETRIFIED of new people. Petrified. But the whole thing is that people I've known forever know me from the days when I was so royally messed up and drunk all the time that I'm labelled as "the fucked up girl" and that will never do. NO. I deserve more than that, so we have to find some new people. Whimper. Okay, let's skip writing a profile for now before I start talking about monkeys or accidentally falling over an imaginary shoe I thought was on my floor but it ended up that my glasses were just dirty.

INTERESTS: Monkeys! Falling down! Red Bull! More monkeys! Cake! Oh shit, okay, we'll get back to interests later too.

WHO I'M LOOKING FOR: This is it. The big one. Um. Yeah. Someone…nice? Oooh! Someone who won't dump me on my graduation day! Someone who won't stab me or kick me down a flight of stairs! Someone who won't just say "I never loved you" out of the blue someday! Someone who…wait, this is called "revealing too much." Holy shit I'm bad at this.

I dunno, man. I'm not going to do the internet dating thing, I think. I've got too much other stuff going on in my head right now, and I'm just not cool enough. I don't even own a white belt! I have no idea how to get around Brooklyn! My skinny jeans aren't skinny enough and I've never read Kerouac!

So who knows. It's hard out there for an aging goth chick who just wants someone unpretentious and nice and funny and hey, cute wouldn't hurt, and is that asking too much?

Ok, FINE, Schmokay Lupid, I'll keep my profile up there. But I'm still not reading Kerouac, and you can't make me.


Actual pic used on Schmokay Lupid. Too pretentious? Not enough? Can you tell it's in my bathroom? Oh god, I give up.


OK, Cupid, You’re Not Funny, OK? — 15 Comments

  1. Just read your blog by way of Chuck and I think you’re cute as a damn bug, and funny to boot. Maybe the Brooklyn hipsters are looking for funny and cute. Or monkeys.You can never tell.

  2. Hello, Hottie McHotterson!
    I would have to include zombies in my list of Likes, and that would open a whole new can of worms from what I dealt with in the past. However, as soon as I read monkeys on yours, I was hot for you. Strike that. MORE HOT!

  3. I’ve never used one of these “agencies”, but I suspect they create more problems than they solve. Great pic, although you could have smiled … just a tad perhaps? No? OK then, but you could crop it and no one would know it’s your bathroom 🙂
    @AnnieH: I think it’s cute monkeys they’re looking for, actually. Oh and I agree with your verdict.
    Great blog. Great post.

  4. I like the photo. You look cute, but it’s clearly natural.
    And it would take so much more than singleness to make me read Kerouac. Like maybe there was a Fahrenheit 451 type book burning and the only books to survive were Kerouac and the Unabomber’s manifesto. Then I’d read Kerouac.

  5. all this slamming of Kerouac. you wouldn’t understand him anyways. Kerouac was not written for women especially the spoiled, instant satisfaction, Oprah watching women of today. Yes I am talking about you.

  6. CJ,
    I actually met my husband on OK Cupid, so it can sometimes open a door rather than just creating problems.
    I’ve found, on that site, that it’s best not to think your number 1 best match is going to be the one. I went out with my number one match, and I had to have a girlfriend bail me out with an “emergency” because he was so painfully dull and dorky in a not at all cute way (and also way older looking than his stated age).
    But someone in the top ten (in your geographic area) is very possibly the one. Maybe it’s that we think we like ourselves more than we do, and when people are TOO similar to us we want to stab them in the face?
    My husband was my 8th best match, but he’s my number one in real life, for sure. I was his best match, though, so who knows how the math works over there. I just like the quizzes!

  7. i tried match.com at one point, and it ended up being an…interesting? expereince. i will say this: if you are in recovery, and newish in recovery, its a good way to meet guys who are not in the program and loaded with the 10,000 intimacy issued that many of them have. um, no offense. i did not meet the love of my life on there. but…i did meet some cool people, went on some ridiculously bad dates that at least were funny, and couple of them were even really hot. i’d say i got my money’s worth.

  8. I think that’s a lovely picture. I did the dating service thing for several months and it was pretty fun. Can’t hurt to see what happens. You can always say no. Found you by way of Chuck, by the way.

  9. I met my husband on matchmaker.com. Does that still exist? Man, did I go on some awful dates… and some totally fun dates…and some ok dates… and some REALLY dull dates. Then I found Nick simply because I lived in Morristown and he lived in Madison and I e-mailed and said “I just thought I’d say Hi because we live like 3 miles apart. How are you doing with the matchmaker thing?” Um… now we’re married.
    : )

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