I've kvetched and moaned a great deal about being single on this blog, and so with the encouragement of SnarkyAmber, my heterosexual life partner, I decided to sign up for a dating site, that shall not be named but rhymes with "Schmokay Lupid" and WHOA BOY I think it was a big fat mistake, and I'll tell you why.
I am so not hip enough to date, y'all. I'm a homebody writer who lives in the burbs of Jersey with two cats that I have intricate conversations with, and all these dudes Schmokay Lupid wants to set me up with are these Brooklyn hipsters who spend more time on their hair than I do, and wouldn't look at me twice, not even on a bet. I tried and failed to be funny in my profile, which is agony to begin with – you know what? Let's just go through the process.
THE PROFILE: Okay, what to put here. I'm 5'7 on a good day, I'm not so large that you would have to take a wall out of my apartment to remove me, I'm told that I'm funny, but that might be just people being polite…I don't know! This is why I can't do these things. I'm PETRIFIED of new people. Petrified. But the whole thing is that people I've known forever know me from the days when I was so royally messed up and drunk all the time that I'm labelled as "the fucked up girl" and that will never do. NO. I deserve more than that, so we have to find some new people. Whimper. Okay, let's skip writing a profile for now before I start talking about monkeys or accidentally falling over an imaginary shoe I thought was on my floor but it ended up that my glasses were just dirty.
INTERESTS: Monkeys! Falling down! Red Bull! More monkeys! Cake! Oh shit, okay, we'll get back to interests later too.
WHO I'M LOOKING FOR: This is it. The big one. Um. Yeah. Someone…nice? Oooh! Someone who won't dump me on my graduation day! Someone who won't stab me or kick me down a flight of stairs! Someone who won't just say "I never loved you" out of the blue someday! Someone who…wait, this is called "revealing too much." Holy shit I'm bad at this.
I dunno, man. I'm not going to do the internet dating thing, I think. I've got too much other stuff going on in my head right now, and I'm just not cool enough. I don't even own a white belt! I have no idea how to get around Brooklyn! My skinny jeans aren't skinny enough and I've never read Kerouac!
So who knows. It's hard out there for an aging goth chick who just wants someone unpretentious and nice and funny and hey, cute wouldn't hurt, and is that asking too much?
Ok, FINE, Schmokay Lupid, I'll keep my profile up there. But I'm still not reading Kerouac, and you can't make me.
Actual pic used on Schmokay Lupid. Too pretentious? Not enough? Can you tell it's in my bathroom? Oh god, I give up.