The Usual Suspects Returneth!

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O HAI!!!! Mama is busy having a stomach virus, so STEWIE decide to write blog today! What will we talk about, innerwebbie peeples? You look so PRETTY today! Pretty like princess. Stewie mean it. No, Stewie wasn't looking at your butt, but it look great TOO. Stewie want to BITE IT. Nom!!! YAY BUTTS!!!

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Hello humans. I am going to interject here before the idiot fat one starts ranting about your asses. Honestly, the lack of dignity around this place is incredibly absurd. I would like to take this time to discuss some events that have occurred around this hovel in which I am forced to live. Such as! Did you know that the human female had her "friends" descend upon my home this past weekend? I do not believe for one moment that these "friends" were not paid richly for visiting all the way from Boston just to see the human female. They were obviously bribed, or were told that they would be in MY presence. It's really the only explanation.

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LOOKIT STEWIE!!! Stewie is looking handsome, yes? Handsome for LADIES. Hello ladies!!! Pretty ladies come visit STEWIE, give him lots of attention and loving and GREEN OLIVES OH BUDDY. Stewie LOVE the ladies. Come back any time, pretty ladies, and bring Stewie more olives!

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Once again you see the utter torment I am forced to endure. Enough about the houseguests. Let Lulu tell you a grand story about the human female. You recall that she can't sleep without listening to those audiobooks, correct? Well remembered. So she was listening to one of those Harry Potter books because she is all about culture and age-appropriate books, and of course she fell asleep. Fast forward to 3 AM, wherein she woke up straight out of the bed and yelled something about getting the invisibility cloak because the Death Eaters were coming, and then clotheslined herself with the headphones wire. This is what I have to put up with. Please come adopt me. Now.

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Would you trust this woman with a houseplant, much less a feline? No. The answer, clearly, is no.


Comments

The Usual Suspects Returneth! — 10 Comments

  1. Here from Chucks blog, and so up for this ride…looks like it’ll be a blast. Love your frank style! Hope the stomcah flu runs its merry course sooner than later…

  2. I’m here via Chuck. You’re an entertaining writer. I really like the Cupid post. I like that you are so honest in your writing, too. I also appreciate that you update often. What does the title of your blog mean or where does it come from?

  3. Let me tell you about my human friend. She listens to music on an M.P.3 thingy when she sleeps, well not so much now. We were alls sleeping comfy and cozy when she bolted up in bed and knocked her heads into the wall and strangles by wire thingy.
    She was all “ouch, stoopid loud music, dumb playlists”
    The worsted thing was she disturbed MY sleep and I was having the bestest dream.
    No more music thingy at sleep time.

  4. Dear Stewie-
    You are a very handsome boy cat. Be good and don’t bite any butts…that could get you arrested in the human world. Take good care of the mama, and no, Petromalt won’t cure stomach flu. That was very nice of you to think of it, though.
    Dear Miss Lulu-
    My handsome cat, Albert, has offered to sweep you off your feet and into the California sunset. That being said, however, he knows your human would be heartbroken if you left, so he is encouraging you to stay put. You will be OK.

  5. Waking up and looking for your invisibility cloak and screaming about Death Eaters — that is totally something I would do. Keep your wand close by and remember “Expelliarmus!”

  6. Apparently the new Kindle thing (to which I am morally opposed) reads the books to you in strange yet dulcet Norwegian-like tones. Perhaps you can dream about Vikings?

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