Some Stern Words With VH1

Me: VH1, we need to talk. We need to talk NOW. We need to discuss what I watched over the weekend.

VH1: I picked it out just for you, baby.

Me: Well, it certainly seems that way, and that's where the problem lies. Do you know how MUCH of you I watched this weekend? HOURS. Endless hours! Bret Michaels Bus of Whore! Tool Academy! Celebrity Rehab! Top Hard Rock Song MARATHON! My brain, VH1. My brain is dying.

VH1: Oh baby, don't talk like that to VH1. VH1 loves you, baby. He gives you what you want, doesn't he? All those lovely shows that just ease your mind into total compliance. Yeah, just relax and watch. Don't Bret Michaels' hair plugs look fantastic today?

Me: What? I feel so sleepy…so…calm.

VH1: Thaaaaaaaaat's it, baby. Just let it all in. Bret's talking just to you, you know.

Me: They're…they're not plugs, they're the finest extensions Europe has to offer. They ARE looking very pretty today – WAIT A MINUTE!!!! You know, common sense WARNED me about you. She warned me that you'd talk all pretty and lull me into a stupor and then STEAL MY BRAIN CELLS. That's IT, VH1, we're through. As soon as Bus of Whore has the season finale, I'm back to watching Masterpiece Theater.

VH1: Oooooh baby. You don't mean that. Look! I've got a brand new show for you.

Me: I'M NOT INTERESTED. I'm going to watch Meet the Press.

VH1: Shhhhh. Brand new show called "Tough Love."


VH1: Just watch the previews. Just a tiny bit. One shot won't hurt, right?

Me: THIS IS NOT A 12 STEP PROBLEM!!! You are just a television station!!! I can turn you off ANY TIME.

VH1: Just relax and watch the preview.

Me: Well…just the preview can't hurt. I mean, it'll just show me how much I am NOT going to watch this show, right? Right. Okay, watching the preview. So this guy teaches women how to land a man, huh? How delightfully misogynistic, VH1, although I'm not surprised, to say the least…Oh, and they have a little game show for the ladies called "Cute or Crazy?" That's not hideously demeaning in the least.

VH1: Wait for it…

Me: And he hooks them up to ELECTRODES during their DATES? So he can SHOCK them whenever they say something he doesn't approve of?!?!!?!?

VH1: *whispers* Got her.

Me: This is an outrage! This is disgusting! This is…

VH1: Premiering next Sunday.

Me: Premiering next Sunday!!!! Yippee!!!!

VH1: They always come back to VH1.

Me: *snuggles remote control* I'm sorry we fought, VH1. Forgive your baby?

VH1: Of course, angel.


Disclaimer: Inverse Candlelight is vehemently against abusive relationships. This is a parody of the author's terrible taste in reality TV programming, not a representation of any real people or real relationship, just in case you were horrified by the above. You are, of course, encouraged to be horrified at the author's taste in entertainment. You roll with that, buster!


Some Stern Words With VH1 — 8 Comments

  1. When I hear Bret Michaels talking to me in my head, he’s always, “What’sa goin’ on? Talk to me, talk to me, talk to me.”
    No, Bret Michaels, you talk to me! You tell me how you get the finest hair extension Europe has to offer looking so Pantene shiny, then school me on the ways of the eyeliner.
    Join me on the couch in April for ‘The Cougar,’ my lovely…

  2. Ha! My friends and I all got hooked n Vh1’s Rock of Love the first season because a girl I went to high school with was on it! And I came from a high school of 200 kids, so the odds…well…
    And we’ve watched ever since.
    Your blog makes me smile.

  3. if you ever figure out how to forgo “rock of love” in favor of “masterpiece theater”, let us know k? cuz even though i was (on some level?) horrified at yet another show where “chicks will only be happy once they have a man”…i will uh, probably watch it anyway

  4. But Banshee, you cannot abandon CHURCH!!! Sundays on VH1 are CHURCH and don’t you forget it!!!
    I mean the whore buses have a liquor cabinet IN THA BATHROOM!!! You aren’t gonna get that on Masterpiece Theater!
    Its okay, I’ll be there to hold your hand, we can make it through this together. But if you atart watchign thats how w/ Brandi’s little Bro or I Love Money I might have to get you some help. There are limits afterall.

  5. I saw the preview of Tough Love and was horrified. HORRIFIED. Essentially a smarmy guy with a toothy smile ‘charms’ women into foregoing anything unique or original to them to get a man. Niiiiiiiiiiiice.

  6. Glad it’s not just me that VH1 lulls into submission. What is with the music stations sucking. First we lost MTV, now VH1. Although the latter still does have some redeeming stuff on it sometimes.
    I want to watch the matchmaker dude, but I’m so afraid I’ll throw said TV out window after seeing these comments.

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