In Which I Am A Well Adjusted Human Being With Few Flaws

Okay, not really. It's been some time (no it hasn't) since I have related to you divine people some of the preposterous things that happen to me on a daily basis which beg the question "Why doesn't this child have a HANDLER or a CAREGIVER or at least a HELMET to keep her and those around her safe from herself?" So here we go, the latest in my misadventures in trying to SURVIVE my own IDIOCY.

I went outside to contemplate the universe smoke a cigarette and several things happened. I first waved frantically, as I always do, to the Two A-Holes across the courtyard who were walking their stupid hamsters delightful lap dogs, and they looked at me as if I was sprouting another head. This, in and of itself, is not a very big deal, as they ARE A-Holes, and rarely acknowledge my existence, much less the frantic waving. But this time they really looked horrified, so I got a little self-conscious and as Common Sense bellowed "THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH YOUR APPEARANCE, WHEN IS THE LAST TIME YOU WORE ANYTHING BUT PINK NIGHTPANTS, ANYWAY" I peered at my reflection in the door, to see that all of my hair in the front was sticking straight up, a la Cameron Diaz with spoo in her bangs, and boy oh boy did I look pretty. I was also wearing an Ozzy Osbourne t-shirt and the aforementioned pink nightpants. And purple furry slippers. It was 4 PM. Nice.

Oh, and then I tried to light a cigarette I had neglected to actually put in my mouth, and almost set my lips on fire. So there's that, too.

Then there was the time I was in the store buying crack Red Bull and maybe I had a bunch of them, and maybe it was nighttime, and the dude behind the counter was all "Gotta stay up, huh?" and I displayed a charming habit I have of OVERSHARING ALL THE TIME and rattled off the following:

"I've gotta catch a flight! Gotta be up at 3 AM! I'm going to Vegas! For a conference, but it's not really a conference, it's a bunch of very talented and good looking writers who wanted to meet up, and hell, why not go to Vegas, right? So I have to stay up! Up for a long time! And it's better than UNCUT CRYSTAL METH, AM I RIGHT??"

Oversharing. It's what's for dinner!

And THEN there's the whole issue with The Fiddler, talk about OVERSHARING, but…wait, I haven't talked about the Fiddler yet. That's going to have to wait.

Okay, I'm really rambling now. OH! And I was checking my mail on Shmoekay Lupid the other day, and some dude IMed me and started being all flirty flirty and I didn't have the heart to say "Uh, dude, I really have to go, no, seriously" so I went all therapist on him and convinced him to call his ex, he still cared about her, why not give it another shot? And then he thanked me, because I was right.

I'm a HEALER. A very SINGLE healer.

So that's it. I am very, very dangerous to be around, especially if you're me. So WATCH YOUR NECK, and I will watch mine, and probably give myself whiplash in the process, but that's to be expected, am I right? Yes, yes I am.

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Comments

In Which I Am A Well Adjusted Human Being With Few Flaws — 8 Comments

  1. You counseled a dude who IM-ed you on Shmoekay Lupid?! This is my new favorite thing ever. I know you don’t need me to tell you, but you’re awesome.

  2. You convinced a flirt on “Shmoekay Lupid” to get back with his ex? You’re amazing.
    I have some friends who use “Shmoekay Lupid,” too. They have met some creepers on there…
    Also, (and now I’m rambling) your use of strikethroughs is fanastic and wonderful.

  3. two things: love the exclamation point of router lights in a picture of red bull. also: i wish we had a healer like you in my world of warcraft guild, for we would rule the world. but you are far too v. v. cool for that silliness.

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