I Can Has Nuns

Outside Cat: MOW!
Me: Hello, Mr. Outside Cat.
Outside Cat: MOOOOOOOOW.
Me: I shan't be feeding you, Mr. Outside Cat. Not today, not ever.
Outside Cat: Mow?
Me: I'll tell you why, Mr. Outside Cat. If I feed you, you will want to become Mr. Inside Cat, and we can't have that, no sirree.
Outside Cat: Mooow. Mow mow mow.
Me: I have more than enough cats inside, Mr. Outside Cat. Go bother the nuns.
Outside Cat: Mow!
Me: I know, the nuns are weird. But I have a sneaking suspicion that they feed you, just like Aw, An Old Man feeds you. Everyone feeds you, Mr. Outside Cat. No need for me to join the fray.
Outside Cat: Mow. Mow mow.
Me: Oh, shall I tell the people about the nuns?
Outside Cat: Mow!
Me: Very well then.

I have nuns. A bevy of nuns. They live right next door! It's true! I have a convent right next door, and if that wasn't weird enough, they're a CLOISTERED nunnery, which means they Never. Go. Out. Kind of like me! Only I don't do the whole God thing, and I have a sneaking suspicion that they do, being nuns and all that. But we don't KNOW! Because they're CLOISTERED! They could be in there playing video games and tapping kegs and WE WOULD NEVER KNOW.

There is one nun who goes outside, and even drives. She probably returns all the kegs. We call her, (thank you Dad, for the name, you creative thing you) because she goes outside, Sister Mary Outside.
There might have been several Sister Mary Outsides throughout the years, but take it from me. I know nuns. 15 consecutive years of Catholic education, people! Nuns? NEVER DIE. I bet Sister Mary Outside has been around for at least 298 years and she doesn't look a day over 147.

So there you have it. In addition to my crazy neighbors, I also have an infestation of nuns. But what they are doing in there, we may never know. But I'm putting my money on Dance Dance Revolution.

Me: So there you have it, Mr. Outside Cat. I told the nice people about the nuns.
Outside Cat: Mow.
Me: So go forth, Mr. Outside Cat, and get Sister Mary Outside to feed you.
Outside Cat: Mow!
Me: Yes, yes, I'm very mean. Tell the nuns howdy from me. And to keep it down. Their parties are getting a little out of control, if you know what I mean.
Outside Cat: Mow.

Cat stock 019
Sister Lulu Inside


I Can Has Nuns — 9 Comments

  1. Maybe we should start our own order of nuns. It can be nuns without god. We can be cloistered and play DDR and have lots and lots of cats. Cos I’m thinkin’ thats really the way to go. Much safer than dating.

  2. true story: back in The Day, when i was still in catholic school, we had this nun, sr. karen, and she was some kind of hipster nun or something, in her early 30’s maybe? and when i was in 6th grade, she had the high score in frogger on atari for like THE ENTIRE YEAR. even though everybody had switched over to nintendo’s by then, we still thought she was pretty cool. so i bet she kicks ass at DDR.
    (and btw, i DID put an unnecessary apostrophe in “nintendo (plural)” but it was because i didn’t know whether there was supposed to be an e there, or just an s, or what. i’m sorry for spending all of sixth grade language arts thinking about what kind of underwear the cute boys in my class were wearing, or i might know that.)
    ((why, yes, sixth grade WAS the year i started cheering for the pop warner football team and learned what a jock strap was, why do you ask?))

  3. I hope like hell (whoops, sorry nuns!) they’re getting down to the goth. Like, maybe they stand in their bathroom and work on their eyeliner technique. Call the other nuns in and ask their opinions, and the other nuns just shrug or whatever. Then they make Ramen noodles for lunch.
    P.S. I lub that kitta face!

  4. Sister Mary Outside. heehee.
    I’ve seen her outside… walking on the sidewalk.
    How odd is it that I never thought about them being cloistered? I guess since they’ve always been there I didn’t notice. But… now reading it I see how strange it is I never noticed. How sad that in 36 years of living right down the street I never realized I only ever saw Sister Mary Outside???

  5. I bet they have a gym in there and a movie theater at least. I like to think of nuns as being eusocial animals like bees or borgs with a strict division of labor. In addition to Sr. Mary Outside there might be Sr. Theresa Stir Fry and Sr. Annette Swiffer Vac. Perhaps even a Sr. Cecilia Spinning Class and a Sr. Francis Self Defense. Who knows?

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