Oh my precious little squirrels. This is one of those posts wherein I am already thinking "Editing, woman, or this will be seventeen years long, and let's face it, in the age of techno-joy, people's attention spans are lacking at best. Or maybe that's just me. Is that just me? Oooh look, something shiny!
Good lord, it IS just me. Okay, moving on.
Once upon a time, Mom and Dad Banshee looked at their bespectacled, socially inept daughter and had an idea. Well, not so much an idea as a PLOT. A very very insidious plot, although they didn't know it at the time. Hi mom! This isn't a manifesto at all!
Everyone say hi to my mom! Oooh look, I'm thinking about unicorns. FOCUS, WOMAN.
Anyway, Mom and Dad Banshee decided to send lil' Banshee to Catholic school. And not just any Catholic school, OH NO. We're talking all girls, uniforms, nuns, the whole nine yards. So Miss Banshee, who didn't have any say in the matter, went off to a school we will call The Villa, because that is the name, and I don't care who knows it. I'm still a little bitter.
NOW. For a 12 year old terrified, socially disabled girl, The Villa was a terrifying place full of nuns in scary habits who had, well, scary habits. Like putting the fear of not just God, but everything else with the unsaid threat of BEATINGS GALORE, oh no, they never actually said it or did it, but WE KNEW that it was always at the forefront of their minds, because that's how nuns think. And let's just say these nuns were not exactly…frail. They could have beaten the everloving SNOT out of us and barely blink an eye. So in the first of what will certainly become a series of Catholic school torments stories, I'll give you a taste of what it was like to be a seventh grader in Latin class.
Sr. Scary: Amo, amas, amat. Amamus, amatis, amant. REPEAT.
Little Banshee: Amo, amas, amat. (thinking) *Blee blah bloo blorgh, bleh bleh*
Sr. Scary: *scowls* *aims* *PING!!!* and a piece of chalk whizzed by my head.
Little Banshee: I didn't DO anything!!!!
Sr. Scary: You were thinking it.
See! They weren't just battle axes, they were PSYCHIC.
And thus began Miss Banshee's exciting adventure in Nun Land. This is also why people who knew me back then think it is PEE YOUR PANTS FUNNY that I now live next door to a convent.
To that, I say "Ha blee blee Ha, you bastards."
Oh, and here's what I looked like. Can you see the abject terror? It's a little subtle, try to squint and see it.
More to come, OH YES.