Miss Banshee Was a Catholic School Girl

Oh my precious little squirrels. This is one of those posts wherein I am already thinking "Editing, woman, or this will be seventeen years long, and let's face it, in the age of techno-joy, people's attention spans are lacking at best. Or maybe that's just me. Is that just me? Oooh look, something shiny!

Good lord, it IS just me. Okay, moving on.

Once upon a time, Mom and Dad Banshee looked at their bespectacled, socially inept daughter and had an idea. Well, not so much an idea as a PLOT. A very very insidious plot, although they didn't know it at the time. Hi mom! This isn't a manifesto at all!

Everyone say hi to my mom! Oooh look, I'm thinking about unicorns. FOCUS, WOMAN.

Anyway, Mom and Dad Banshee decided to send lil' Banshee to Catholic school. And not just any Catholic school, OH NO. We're talking all girls, uniforms, nuns, the whole nine yards. So Miss Banshee, who didn't have any say in the matter, went off to a school we will call The Villa, because that is the name, and I don't care who knows it. I'm still a little bitter.

NOW. For a 12 year old terrified, socially disabled girl, The Villa was a terrifying place full of nuns in scary habits who had, well, scary habits. Like putting the fear of not just God, but everything else with the unsaid threat of BEATINGS GALORE, oh no, they never actually said it or did it, but WE KNEW that it was always at the forefront of their minds, because that's how nuns think. And let's just say these nuns were not exactly…frail. They could have beaten the everloving SNOT out of us and barely blink an eye. So in the first of what will certainly become a series of Catholic school torments stories, I'll give you a taste of what it was like to be a seventh grader in Latin class.

Sr. Scary: Amo, amas, amat. Amamus, amatis, amant. REPEAT.
Little Banshee: Amo, amas, amat. (thinking) *Blee blah bloo blorgh, bleh bleh*
Sr. Scary: *scowls* *aims* *PING!!!* and a piece of chalk whizzed by my head.
Little Banshee: I didn't DO anything!!!!
Sr. Scary: You were thinking it.

See! They weren't just battle axes, they were PSYCHIC.

And thus began Miss Banshee's exciting adventure in Nun Land. This is also why people who knew me back then think it is PEE YOUR PANTS FUNNY that I now live next door to a convent.

To that, I say "Ha blee blee Ha, you bastards."

Oh, and here's what I looked like. Can you see the abject terror? It's a little subtle, try to squint and see it.


More to come, OH YES.


Miss Banshee Was a Catholic School Girl — 15 Comments

  1. oh to be young and terrified
    Now we are are old-er and terrified.
    nuns scare me-especially if they are not in habits cause then they sneak up on you.

  2. Nuns are some of the scariest creatures on the planet. My school had one who smacked kids on the rump with a ping pong paddle nicknamed “The Board Of Education.” I wish I were kidding.

  3. I love your hair! Please, please, please grow it out to look just that way again. I guarantee that doing so will heal your brain. If you don’t like your brain healed, then you can cut it all off again. And your year in the mirror pictures will be even more interesting. You can even take your photo with a ruler to your hair once a month to see how you are doing. And the best, best reason of all to do it is that it will drive your mom and dad nuts! Or at least make them laugh. Both are good things. (You will have to be careful with the cats, however.)

  4. michaelanon:
    How exactly does growing one’s hair out heal one’s brain? Can you please show me the studies that link long hair to mental well-being?
    My dear Banshee, your hair is beautiful at any length, but I LOVE it short and dark.

  5. I still maintain that I love all nuns. I even own a pair of rather ugly but sensible nun-like shoes in their honor AND I wear calf – length skirts on a daily basis. Seriously, they get free food, free clothing, free housing, AND free, unlimited, education (so you can be Dr. Sr. Scary if you so choose). If you can stand the public celibacy (who knows what goes on in there) and the whole patriarchal deity thing, it is not a bad gig.

  6. Nuns are scary. You poor thing. Reminds me of a story my mom told me about my aunt that got pissed at a nun because she smacked her and threw a chair at her.
    I love our family’s dysfunctions.

  7. Oh course, Banshee’s hair is beautiful at any length. That’s because she is a beautiful person, not because of the length or color of her hair. But I do believe that going back to the hair of one’s youth carries with it the possibility of returning to more innocent, carefree days. I, for one, would be happy if I could grow hair in the middle of my head, like I was capable of when I was twelve.) (And of course, I love long blond hair and will say almost anything to get it- but you knew that.)

  8. I went to Catholic school too! But only up to the third grade and it wasn’t just girls.
    However, I do remember starting at the public school my 4th grade year (which was right across the street from the Catholic school..odd) and thinking what potty mouths those kids were. We did NOT cuss at Holy Angels..or it was a gazillion Hail Mary’s and a week of staring at paint peel during recess.

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