Actual Conversation: The Professor and the Bat

*You've been invited to video chat with: The Professor*

Me: Hi!
The Professor: Hey! I'm having the weirdest conversation with a former student of mine.
Me: Oh yeah? Why is it so weird?
The Prof: I think he's a homicidal maniac.
Me: Ha!
The Prof: Dead serious over here.
Me: Oh. Not "Ha?"
The Prof: Not "Ha."
Me: Eeeps. Well, what are you asking him?
The Prof: Oh you know, if he's training to be a terrorist.
The Prof: Like I said, dead serious over here.

*conversation continues, but is way not funny, so we'll skip ahead*

The Prof: Woo, that was weird. I feel weird about that.
Me: Well, it's probably quite harmless, I mean, I don't really think he'd–
The Prof: BAT!!!!
Me: B-at? What about a bat?
The Prof: BAT! There's a bat in here!!!
Me: Is this symbolic? Like talking to that student was like having a bat to the head? Are you stoned? What is going on with the bats? Aluminum or wood?
The Prof: There is a bat. In my apartment. Flying around!
Me: A BAT?!?!! Why didn't you SAY so??? A BAT???
The Prof: I gotta go deal with this bat.

*The Professor has left video chat*

Me: (continuing to yell, and type, to exactly NO ONE) Don't touch it! You'll get the RABIES!!! Bats have GERMS! You're gonna get a GERM!!! Oh my god, don't let it BITE YOU, you'll be Nosferatu! This is so bad, who gets a BAT in their APARTMENT, what the hell is it with Syracuse anyway??? Are you literally living in a CAVE? Kill it! NO WAIT. Don't kill it! The germs will get everywhere, you'll be smothered in rabies, oh my god, you're Nosferatu now, I can just tell, stay away from my NECK I want to LIVE!!!

*The Professor has joined video chat*

The Prof: Bat's dead!
The Prof: What in the name of…
Me: A germ! You'll get a germ! Don't touch it!
The Prof: I'm thinking of drying it.
Me: What.
The Prof: You know, it's small. I could dry it and put it on my mantle.
Me: Oh, you're a taxidermist now? Get RID of it, just don't touch it, oh, germs galore!
The Prof: Oh, it's not quite dead yet.
Me: I'm going to pass out.
The Prof: Okay, it has a severed spinal column now.
Me: I don't know if this little event is sexy or I should run screaming.
The Prof: You stopped making sense a LONG time ago.
Me: Shaddap, Nosferatu.



Actual Conversation: The Professor and the Bat — 10 Comments

  1. We had a bat in our apartment once, it was scary.
    Sean was no help and screamed like a girl
    It did not help that we had gone to see The Decent that night

  2. Rabies is no joke (nearly 100% fatal once symptoms appear). Many bats are small and have very sharp teeth – sometimes you do not even realize you have bitten (personal experience here). I hope the Prof wore gloves and/ or is vaccinated.

  3. Great post!! I love the bats. Anyhow, is it ok to put a link on my blog to yours? I always ask first. Also, I just started and would love for you to stop by and give some insight and guidance as I’m still learning. I probably don’t have the talent that you and most of the others I’ve read, but we can pretend right?? šŸ™‚

  4. Back when my cat could move faster than cold molasses, he used to help us catch the annual bat that made it from the attic into the house. He was very good. I would chase it with a tennis racket and knock it down to Mac, and he would catch it in his little grabby paws — and then play with it.

  5. Totally agreeing on a professional level. Have the bat Rabies tested. Seriously and for reals. You send it in a coffee can to the state lab (in Albany I assume if he’s in Syracuse). Contact your local health department, they should be able to transport it. Refrigerate, do not freeze or the tissues will be damaged and become un-testable. Seriously.

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