Ask Stewie Starring Stewie Part the Um…This One!

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HELLOOOOOO HOOMAN BEANS! Dis the weekend, and so Stewie take time out of busy nap schedule to answer another question! Isn't it good of Stewie? That's because Stewie LOVE YOU OH BOY and is always here to help.

Speaking of help, Stewie LOVE answering cat questions, but you know what Lulu is good at? Answering HOOMAN questions, cause Lulee think she hooman, and maybe was a mean old queen in past life. Anyway, you have love life? You have job? You have PROBLEM with those? Stewie make Lulabelle answer dem. Just saying.

Cat stock 022 I roll my eyes at cat questions. I am the center of the universe, but if you humans have any questions, I shall tell you what to do. I am a giver. A giver of knowledge. Now leave me alone, assholes.

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Oh dat LULASMELL!!!! Anyway, let's get to question.

Dear Stewie,

What is the appropriate amount of sleep that we should be getting?
Also, what should we do with our human when she neglects to serve us our nightly wet food?

Sincerely,

Sarah, Donovan, and Mr. Boots

This EASY QUESTION! You get LOTS of sleeps, as much as possible, cause when you wake up and say "What shall I do with my wakey time?" You have lot of energy to do thing. Stewie recommend the following:

  • Eat everything your Mama or Daddy own. Books and shoes are good.
  • Eat all your foods. Scream and whine for more foods.
  • Collapse VERY DRAMATICALLY in front of Mama and Daddy when they tell you "No food right now, Fatty Fatty 2×4, can't fit throo the litterbox door!"
  • Barf definantly. No reason needed, just make yourself barf just cause.
  • Eat more of Mama and Daddy's stuff. Stewie like the corners of beloved books.
  • Be CUTE so you don't get launched by big slingshot into outer space by cranky hooman beans.

OKAY! Now that you know dat, Stewie answer second part. You get WET FOODS?!?!? Stewie and LulaSMEEEEEEEEEELL don't get dat!!! So Stewie think your Beans should read label, cause Stewie only get boring diet kibble. That's cause Mama is MEAN. Mean like SPIDER. So get Beans to read label. Or just scream and complain till you get moar, cause that's what Stewie would do if he got fancy wet foods.

OKAY! Answering done! Stewie has to smash his head into the closet door now. See you next weekend, and remember, STEWIE LOVE YOU!!!!!

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Comments

Ask Stewie Starring Stewie Part the Um…This One! — 6 Comments

  1. Dearest Stewie,
    First, you need a raise! Two columns in two days?!? That’s what we call overtime (but what do I know? I’ve worked in restaurants all my life). Second, who was your idol growing up? I’d say Bill The Cat, because you like to barf as much as him!!

  2. Hey Stewie!
    Wet fooods? My momma didn’t tell me nothin’ about that, my goodness. I’m gonna wake her up at 4am until she feeds me some of that, oh yes, I am. So glad I started reading your column.
    Rock on, brother!
    Baker

  3. Fanks for da ‘vice, Stewie! We iz very gud at eating, barfing, an being cyoot awreadi but moar praktis is awayze gud. We (Sarah & Donovan) didun getz da wet fudz until Mr. Boots moved in but he iz speshul needz kitteh so we all gets dem nao. Maybe u can becum speshul needz kitteh too so u can getz wet fudzies?
    Purrz an snorgles,
    Sarah, Mr. Boots, & Donovan

  4. Fanks for da ‘vice, Stewie! We iz very gud at eating, barfing, an being cyoot awreadi but moar praktis is awayze gud. We (Sarah & Donovan) didun getz da wet fudz until Mr. Boots moved in but he iz speshul needz kitteh so we all gets dem nao. Maybe u can becum speshul needz kitteh too so u can getz wet fudzies?
    Purrz an snorgles,
    Sarah, Mr. Boots, & Donovan

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