The Invasion of the Woo

Me: Mr. Outside Cat, I think we need to talk. There are intruders in our humble development, our HOME, Mr. Outside Cat, and I think your safety and well being might be in danger. I know my sanity is.

Mr Outside Cat: Mow?

Me: Try to focus, Mr. Outside. There has been an INVASION.

Mr. Outside Cat: MOW?!?!?

Me: No, no, not zombies. Not YET, anyway. What we have…What we have is worse. Mr. Outside? We have WOO GIRLS.

Mr. Outside Cat: Mow? MOW!

Me: I know, I know. It's worse than we thought. I saw them moving in the other day. They were wearing all the woo-wear, and they had their Yah Dude boyfriends with them.

Mr. Outside Cat: Moooooooow.

Me: Yeah, the "Juicy" velour pants, the college sweatshirt, but PERFECT hair, giggling and woo-ing while their white-baseball capped, too-big cargo shorts wearing, Dave Matthews t-shirt sporting boyfriends lugged the woo-belongings into the apartment.

Mr. Outside Cat: Mow. Mow mow mow.

Me: I don't blame you, I'd move too, if I could. Anyway, steer clear of the Woo-apartment, because they might put a sweater on you and a tiara.

Mr. Outside Cat: M…ow?

Me: Pink isn't your color, don't even consider it.

Mr. Outside Cat: Mow. Mow? Mow.

Me: I know, I know. They're not our kind of people. They were popular in high school. They made fun of people like us. Their boyfriends beat up our male counterparts. We can't trust the Woo, Mr. Outside. Can't trust them as far as we can throw them. They were cheerleaders when we were drama geeks. They were pretty when we were painfully awkward. They are the embodiment of our deep-rooted angst that never really heals from high school. I hate the Woo-girls, Mr. Outside. I hate everything that they represent, because it reminds me of who I used to be, and who I still am on the inside. I dunno, Mr. Outside, I wouldn't blame you if you went to live with the nuns full time, I really wouldn't. I'd rather live with the nuns than deal with the Woo. But I'll just keep the shades closed.

Mr. Outside Cat: Mow. Mow Mow Mow.

Me: I love you too, Mr. Outside. But I'm still not feeding you. And DON'T go over there looking for food, they'll probably make you do a beer bong. And I care about you too much to let that happen.

Mr. Outside Cat: Mow…MOW.

Me: Tough love, baby, tough love. Avoid the Woo, I hear it's contagious.

Mr. Outside Cat: Mow.


Never a Woo-Girl.


The Invasion of the Woo — 13 Comments

  1. LOL!!!
    I unfortunately was known to “WOO” back in the day – although I never managed the put together pretty package woo – I was an uncoordinated loudmouth while sober and the alcohol just made it oh so much worse!
    I wish you well in your battle against the WOO.

  2. In high school, I was fat and I took honors classes. To this day, when I encounter a group of woo girls, I do my best to camouflage myself into the background so they don’t notice me. (It’s pretty easy to do now that I have a kid, and moms tend to be totally off of their radar.)
    The good news is that before long, they’ll probably have too many loud parties and get evicted for all of the noise complaints from other tenants.

  3. Oh, the number of interchangeable woo-girls that attend Stevil’s shows… And think that b/c they got up and danced with him, now get to say they are friends with the band.

  4. Oh, the beloved Woo. My favorite permutation is Brainy Woo, complete with designer, thick rimmed glasses and giant over – the – shoulder designer laptop bag. Do not fear the Woo and the Yah Dudes, they are typically really insecure inside. They look like that because they try TOO hard to be accepted. Believe it or not, they are probably jealous of YOU (you are so edgy and sassy, they are just millennial preppies šŸ˜‰

  5. Ugh,I frigging hate the Wootards!!!!My little sister was and still is a chipper plaid shorts,pearls and perfect highlights woowoman while I remain clad in Chuck aylors or Docs with my tattoos LOL.She is the only WOO I dont want to get all stabby with.Hope Mr Outside Kitty steers clear

  6. I live in Southern Calif, the breeding ground for Woo girls. I learned back in fifth grade(woo girls minus the drinking) that they are shallow and vapid. Today, I’d much rather have my Chucks, Docs, or whatevers and my jeans and hoodies than have the Paris Hilton wannabe looking going.
    I was fearless around Woo girls. In high school, I used to torment them by speaking to them slowly, using small words and drawing the occaisional notebook picture. Mind you, I was no Honors student, but at least I had communication skills beyond three key phrases.
    Chin up,girl. While the Woo girls will be mourning their “lost beauty” next year, you’ll be the same brainy, sassy fun girl you are now. I hope Mr. Outside Kitty steers clear so he doesn’t wind up as a beer bong or purse accessory.

  7. WWWOooo-hooo! Sorry, I had to. ha. I found your blog through the nifty linky on the blogher ad. I love this post. I never thought of them as the woo girls. But they SO are. We called them Poptarts when I was in school. And I was never one of them either. I wasn’t a drama geek either, not even that cool. I was part of the great in-between. Practically invisible. It was probably for the best.

  8. this is all sounds like a completely factual account…except for the whole you not being pretty in HS thing. which clearly? you were. much prettier than the more popular girls. thats why they were all mad, dontcha know??

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