Y'all? it's hard out there for a Red Sox fan. Not in New England, of course, but everywhere else? Shunned! Shunned like the Amish! That shit just ain't right.
Now, let me explain. I love the Red Sox in theory. I know next to NOTHING about baseball, other than the basic rules, and I don't know about things like players' names or the management team or anything like that. All I know is that I lived in Boston, and once you've lived in Boston, something happens with the dirty water and you become a Sox fan. I'd call myself a rabid fan, but that would be redundant, since there is no such thing as a non-rabid Sox fan. We're insane. It's true.
And part of that insanity is to hate, HATE HATE HATE the Yankees. We hate them. We hate everything about them. We hate their ass faces. Why? Um…because of the Curse? The curse that the Yankees held over our heads for a gajillion years that we would never win the World Series, never never never, and then we DID, HAHAHAHAAHHA and everyone knows where they were when that happened.
(I was almost asleep on the nasty mattress on the floor that I slept on for two years, in Allston, with my ex, another rabid fan, but he had fallen asleep already. Old. Old and frail we all are.)
But now I live in the great and powerful state of New Jersey, and there are just as rabid (but not as good looking) Yankee fans here. Sigh. So deluded. But I go about my day without thinking about the Yankees, and I would hope they would do the same for my beloved Sox.
Oh, but I can't leave well enough alone, CAN I??? No, I cannot. So I wear my Sox cap, with the pride of the Red Sox nation. And dialogue like this happens:
Me: I'd like a sloppy joe with roast beef, please.
Deli Guy: We don't serve Red Sox fans. Take off the hat.
Me: Wha…at? Um, haha?
Deli Guy: Take off the hat or no sandwich for you.
Me: Give me the sandwich and no one gets hurt.
(in grocery store)
Me: *wheels cart innocently down aisle*
Old Dude: WHOA!!! *turns to old lady* WATCH OUT!!!
Old Dude: WE GOT A SOX FAN!!! STEER CLEAR!!!
Me: You're blocking my Twinkies.
(in parking lot)
Me *walk walk walk*
Car Containing Yah Dude: *HOOOOOOOOOONK*
Me: *has fatal stroke*
Yah Dude: SOX SUUUUUUUUCK!!!
Me: Well, that was unkind.
But screw em all! I know I'm in enemy territory, but I will continue to wear my Sox cap with pride, fuck the haters. I just hope that I don't actually get run OVER by a car, or a shopping cart, in the future.
But at least I'll have my sandwich, dammit.