I've spoken before about my eating habits. And I say "habits" because my food intake is not not unlike that of a stoner, what with the delicious snack cakes and the Red Bull and the stinky pretzel bits and chicken nuggets, and shit, I'm getting hungry again. But lately I've been feeling like crap, and conversations such as these do not help.
Snarky Amber: It is inconceivable that a voting adult eats the way you do. You must learn to cook.
Me: I cook! I MICROWAVE.
Amber: You need real food. Real food for grown-ups.
Me: I shan't be doing that. I am not a grown-up.
Amber: Yes you are.
Me: No I'm nooooooooooooot! I'm gonna go watch cartoons now.
But the Professor is even worse.
The Prof: You blogged about snack cakes again.
Me: NO, I blogged about DELICIOUS snack cakes.
The Prof: When I visit, I'm bringing groceries.
Me: Ooooh! I like buffalo style cheeken nuggets and Zebra Cakes.
The Prof: NO. I'm bringing you spices.
Me: What in the name of Merlin's pants am I going to do with spices?
The Prof: COOK. COOK LIKE A GROWNUP.
Me: Bring Like cheesy rice?
The Prof: NO MORE CHEESY RICE.
Me: You're teetering on crazy talk, man.
The Prof: *slams head against desk*
So OK FINE. I'm really starting to feel like crap, I admit it. I'm full of processed meats and refined sugar and I feel like hell. So I started thinking of easy fixes, because I also am lazy and perhaps need a caregiver.
Me: A FAST. I will do a fast.
The Internet: BAD IDEA.
Me: Why a bad idea?
The Internet: Your body can't handle a fast. Just eat like a DAMN BIG GIRL.
Me: But I don't know hoooooooooooooow!
So I'm taking the first logical step. No more refined sugar. For a WHOLE WEEK, PEOPLE. This is huge. Huge like the Great Wall of China! You can see it from space, you know. That's how huge this is. So! No more delicious snack cakes for a WHOLE WEEK. No more ice cream, no more candy. Oh my god, no more candy. This is harder than getting sober, y'all.
SO MY POINT IS!!!! If I start getting, oooooooh I don't know, a little CRABBY on the blog? You know why. My brain and tummy are screaming "JUST ONE PIXY STIK!!!" and I'm crying. On the inside. And the outside. Weeping all around.
It's just for a week. I can do this.