The Great Food Cleansing, Or, I Blame Amber and The Prof

I've spoken before about my eating habits. And I say "habits" because my food intake is not not unlike that of a stoner, what with the delicious snack cakes and the Red Bull and the stinky pretzel bits and chicken nuggets, and shit, I'm getting hungry again. But lately I've been feeling like crap, and conversations such as these do not help.

Snarky Amber: It is inconceivable that a voting adult eats the way you do. You must learn to cook.
Me: I cook! I MICROWAVE.
Amber: You need real food. Real food for grown-ups.
Me: I shan't be doing that. I am not a grown-up.
Amber: Yes you are.
Me: No I'm nooooooooooooot! I'm gonna go watch cartoons now.
Amber: Pitiful.

But the Professor is even worse.

The Prof: You blogged about snack cakes again.
Me: NO, I blogged about DELICIOUS snack cakes.
The Prof: When I visit, I'm bringing groceries.
Me: Ooooh! I like buffalo style cheeken nuggets and Zebra Cakes.
The Prof: NO. I'm bringing you spices.
Me: What in the name of Merlin's pants am I going to do with spices?
The Prof: COOK. COOK LIKE A GROWNUP.
Me: Bring Like cheesy rice?
The Prof: NO MORE CHEESY RICE.
Me: You're teetering on crazy talk, man.
The Prof: *slams head against desk*

So OK FINE. I'm really starting to feel like crap, I admit it. I'm full of processed meats and refined sugar and I feel like hell. So I started thinking of easy fixes, because I also am lazy and perhaps need a caregiver.

Me: A FAST. I will do a fast.
The Internet: BAD IDEA.
Me: Why a bad idea?
The Internet: Your body can't handle a fast. Just eat like a DAMN BIG GIRL.
Me: But I don't know hoooooooooooooow!

So I'm taking the first logical step. No more refined sugar. For a WHOLE WEEK, PEOPLE. This is huge. Huge like the Great Wall of China! You can see it from space, you know. That's how huge this is. So! No more delicious snack cakes for a WHOLE WEEK. No more ice cream, no more candy. Oh my god, no more candy. This is harder than getting sober, y'all.

SO MY POINT IS!!!! If I start getting, oooooooh I don't know, a little CRABBY on the blog? You know why. My brain and tummy are screaming "JUST ONE PIXY STIK!!!" and I'm crying. On the inside. And the outside. Weeping all around.

It's just for a week. I can do this.

Sob.

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These? WE ARE NOT TALKING ABOUT RIGHT NOW.


Comments

The Great Food Cleansing, Or, I Blame Amber and The Prof — 9 Comments

  1. hey we’ll do it together. i am cutting refined sugar too…we can bitch together. call me if you need support….next step soda.

  2. Ok, I did this whole “no-sugar, no-white-flour” thing for a while, and it is great, and it will make you feel a lot better. BUT… um… you might want to swing by your local drug store and grab a bottle of colace. Just sayin’. Not that that happened to me or anything.

  3. I got married so someone would cook for me. Me + kitchen = FAIL. Thankfully he grills most of the time so makes it a bit easier to remain on a semi-healthy diet but I understand the need for the sugar rush (mmmm….Peeps….mmmmmm).

  4. Good luck with the no-sugar week. I tried that and by day four I was delirious for Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups!! Oh yes, just one I thought. WRONG!! A whole bag later I looked at my chocolate covered fingers and mouth and thought,”MY GOD!! YOU’VE CREATED A MONSTER!!”

  5. good luck, miss banshee. i can’t do it but you are a STRONG POWERFUL WOMAN and i know you can. plus while you are off the sweet stuff i can eat all the ho-ho’s. and are you going to eat that cosmic brownie?
    but seriously … i would like to make a suggestion, and that suggestion is: unsweetened applesauce. no, really. you don’t need to go organic unless you are looking for some sort of bonus cosmic brownie points, but i did a no-refined-sugar fast exactly ONCE, for only three days, and what helped me was unsweetened applesauce. a nice big jar of it.
    and if you are feeling especially grumpy, try stirring in some raisins. yes, yes, i know it’s all weird and hippy and “nature’s candy” blahblahblah, but it will HELP. unrefined, not white, all natural sugar. it will HELP, i swear.
    (btw — they can have my mountain dew and cigarettes when they pry them from my cold, dead, hands.)

  6. Going of of what Rockle said above….
    COFFEE AND CIGARETTES HAVE TONS OF NUTRITIONAL VALUE!! THEY ARE PLANTS!!
    and everyone who tells us different is a big fat mean LIAR.
    I will now pour my 3rd cup of coffee and smoke my first cigarette
    xo

  7. Holy Cow, I had no idea how important my dinner invitation was last night…although at 10 I was hungry again and snuck in something very refined and bad for me. Good luck it will get easier.

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