I’d Change My Shirt For You Anytime, Little One

You guys want to hear more about my neighbors, don't you? Of course you do. Well, let me give you a rundown of what's been going on, and then we'll get to the real story.

Aw, An Old Man: Still alive!!! Still calls me "Jantelle" which is STILL not my real name! But that's okay, because he's still alive, and bowlegged and old as ever, and still likes talking about death and hanging out at the fire station (?) and Aw, I love him.

The Two A-Holes: Still as A-holish as ever. Stupid yappy A-Hole dogs still bark all day and into the night, and I might think about putting them in a casserole, just a little.

Not-Carrie Bradshaw: I don't see much of Not-Carrie, but she did have her shades open the other night and her boyfriend was wearing a wife-beater and drinking Coors Light. And that's all I need to know about him.

The Woo Girls: I hear the dulcet tones of "Wooooooooo!" every once and a while, but they're not in my back courtyard, which means: Minimal interaction. I've still ordered a flamethrower though, you know, just in case.

Who am I forgetting? OH YOU KNOW! I'm forgetting Frantically Waving Telemundo Family! My best pals, my favorite neighbors. And ooooooooooh, they're grand. Baby Telemundo is one year old now! And Little Telemundo is THREE, and finally we've come to the point of this post.

Me *walks outside, starts to head to car*
Lil' Telemundo: *boogies on his balcony*
Me: Hi, little one! Whatcha got there?
Lil'T: *flings sippy cup off balcony* AHHAHAHAHHAHA!!!!
Me: Well, I asked for that one.

I retrieve the cup and see that Lil' T has ass-bumped down the stairs and is now staring at me.

Me: Hi, buddy! Here's your agua. Don't throw it again, okay?
Lil' T: *smiles devilishly, licks ketchup packet*
Me: That's…um…quite a snack you've got there, pal. You like ketchup?
Lil' T: *opens arms* Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeh!!!!
Me: My PLEASURE. Surely the ketchup won't be an issue in a wonderful HUG, will it?
Lil' T: *gives wonderful hug and kiss, which makes my geedee day, lemme tell ya. I'm dead serious.*
Me: Awwww, I love you too, little one.
Lil' T: *sqeezes me harder in hug.*
Ketchup Packet: SPLORGH!
Me: Well, I guess I asked for that one. Doesn't matter a bit, honey honey. Now off with you, I'm late and now I have to wash my face and change my shirt, cause I look like a crime victim.
Lil' T: *solemnly waves sippy cup in my face, runs off*
Me: Is it hot or cold water to get ketchup out?

So that's a typical day. How freaking lucky am I?!!? I love that kid, I really do.

But for reals, ketchup? And I hugged him ANYWAY? Foolio.

Always on the lookout for falling sippies. And condiments.


I’d Change My Shirt For You Anytime, Little One — 4 Comments

  1. “The Woo Girls”
    I have “woo” boys. They don’t actually live in my building, so I can’t really report them to anyone, except the local police if they get too loud, and generally the cops won’t do anything about it.

  2. Should you need to lure the woo-girls closer to get in range of your weapon/device/flame-thrower, follow these easy steps.
    1. Go into the city.
    2. Find a sidewalk vendor.
    3. Buy a pair of knock-off sunglasses that look like bug-eyes. The bigger the better.
    *extra points if there are sparkly rhinestones on the sides.
    4. Bring them home and tie them to a string.
    5. Toss the sunglasses within view of the woo-girls’ usual route.
    6. Wait.
    7. When a woo-girl attempts to pick up the glasses, tug the string towards you. She will follow and will be in range before (if) she realizes your ploy.

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