Yes, dear, I remember your name. Why do I remember your name? Oh, probably because you told me your damn name seventy eleventeen times whilst trying, nay, FORCING me into your little booth at the mall and slathering me with products (from the Dead Sea!) and falsely complimenting me (LIES!) while I was innocently trying to do a little windowshopping on a rainy day. (Maxi-dresses! Yea or nay?)
Johan, I did not want face cream and wash from minerals in the Dead Sea. I ESPECIALLY didn't want 200 AMERICAN DOLLARS WORTH of products made from (very expensive) minerals in the Dead Sea. Isn't the sea, like, free? Why are these minerals so expensive? I want answers, Johan!!!! But moreso, I would really, REALLY like to know why you eyed ME in the mall and corralled me LIKE CATTLE to your little booth. You seemed physically frail, if not fabulous, Johan, and had I fought you like I should have, I probably would have shattered all your bones and torn all your ligaments. I'm scrappy, Johan. Just thought you'd like to know.
I am not glamorous, as you called me, (LIES!) Johan. I was even LESS glamorous when I was at the mall that day. My hair was sticking STRAIGHT UP, I was in my long black skirt that is so very old that dustrags shun it for being too worn out, and I had no makeup on, and I think my glasses needed cleaning. I was just there to windowshop, Johan! I just wanted to see if the maxi-dresses are ridiculous or cute! I was not there to buy your minerals (from the Dead Sea, yes, Johan, I was paying attention) and I did not, despite all your insistance, look like MISS AMERICA. Why do you lie every second of your life, Johan? I hear it makes the baby Jeebus cry.
I'll give you one thing, Johan. You are GOOD at what you do. Your pitch? Flawless. Your demeanor? Utterly charming. Your prices? LAUGHABLE. 200 bucks, Johan? That's more than is in my bank account, dude. And I TOLD you that! And you KEPT GOING!!! Are you the Energizer Queen, Johan? Because you kept GOING and GOING and GOING. And you almost broke me.
Oh yes, Johan. You almost broke me. Until I came to my senses (did you DRUG me, Johan? Was there some sort of SEDATIVE in your Dead Sea minerals?) and realized that I did not HAVE 200 American dollars, and IF I DID, I would not be spending them on minerals, from the Dead Sea or not.
So thank you, Johan, for all the sweet little lies about how pretty I am. And your Dead Sea minerals WERE quite fabulous, as are you, but please. Do you know how many maxi-dresses I could buy with 200 American dollars?
Or, you know, groceries and gas. Which is what I'll actually spend it on. Because that's REALITY, Johan. And I hope you are very happy in your land of snow-cones and unicorns, cause living there is the only way I'd ever buy your products.
Oh, and thanks for not shanking me when you hugged and air-kissed me when I fled. You're a peach, darling.