An Open Letter To The Dude Who Tried To Sell Me Stuff Against My Will

Dear Johan:

Yes, dear, I remember your name. Why do I remember your name? Oh, probably because you told me your damn name seventy eleventeen times whilst trying, nay, FORCING me into your little booth at the mall and slathering me with products (from the Dead Sea!) and falsely complimenting me (LIES!) while I was innocently trying to do a little windowshopping on a rainy day. (Maxi-dresses! Yea or nay?)

Johan, I did not want face cream and wash from minerals in the Dead Sea. I ESPECIALLY didn't want 200 AMERICAN DOLLARS WORTH of products made from (very expensive) minerals in the Dead Sea. Isn't the sea, like, free? Why are these minerals so expensive? I want answers, Johan!!!! But moreso, I would really, REALLY like to know why you eyed ME in the mall and corralled me LIKE CATTLE to your little booth. You seemed physically frail, if not fabulous, Johan, and had I fought you like I should have, I probably would have shattered all your bones and torn all your ligaments. I'm scrappy, Johan. Just thought you'd like to know.

I am not glamorous, as you called me, (LIES!) Johan. I was even LESS glamorous when I was at the mall that day. My hair was sticking STRAIGHT UP, I was in my long black skirt that is so very old that dustrags shun it for being too worn out, and I had no makeup on, and I think my glasses needed cleaning. I was just there to windowshop, Johan! I just wanted to see if the maxi-dresses are ridiculous or cute! I was not there to buy your minerals (from the Dead Sea, yes, Johan, I was paying attention) and I did not, despite all your insistance, look like MISS AMERICA. Why do you lie every second of your life, Johan? I hear it makes the baby Jeebus cry.

I'll give you one thing, Johan. You are GOOD at what you do. Your pitch? Flawless. Your demeanor? Utterly charming. Your prices? LAUGHABLE. 200 bucks, Johan? That's more than is in my bank account, dude. And I TOLD you that! And you KEPT GOING!!! Are you the Energizer Queen, Johan? Because you kept GOING and GOING and GOING. And you almost broke me.

Oh yes, Johan. You almost broke me. Until I came to my senses (did you DRUG me, Johan? Was there some sort of SEDATIVE in your Dead Sea minerals?) and realized that I did not HAVE 200 American dollars, and IF I DID, I would not be spending them on minerals, from the Dead Sea or not.

So thank you, Johan, for all the sweet little lies about how pretty I am. And your Dead Sea minerals WERE quite fabulous, as are you, but please. Do you know how many maxi-dresses I could buy with 200 American dollars?

Or, you know, groceries and gas. Which is what I'll actually spend it on. Because that's REALITY, Johan. And I hope you are very happy in your land of snow-cones and unicorns, cause living there is the only way I'd ever buy your products.

Oh, and thanks for not shanking me when you hugged and air-kissed me when I fled. You're a peach, darling.

A good washing and Oil of Olay, people. That's all you need. Spend the 200 bucks on delicious snack cakes. For me. (sob!)


An Open Letter To The Dude Who Tried To Sell Me Stuff Against My Will — 9 Comments

  1. Oh, I have one of those at our mall. His name is Nir though, sounds like Near, as he says “like near and far” who told me over and over again how pretty I was, and said he thought my daughter was my sister…he suckered me out of $50 for the manicure set. I still love my little rectangular buffing thing, it makes my nails shiny and look like I polished them even though I didn’t and it doesn’t chip. BONUS! 🙂
    But I avoid Nir at all costs, lest he suck me in with his charming self or his long curly locks.

  2. I have to give those guys my angry eyes when they accost me at the mall. I get snappy, even. It seems to work.
    Also, not digging the “maxi-dress” fad. Particularly b/c the name makes me uncomfortable. Don’t they do research studies on these things?

  3. Apparently they also have beautiful women working those booths, which is why my little brother gave me a Dead Sea mineral “home manicure kit” for my birthday. Do I ever do my nails? No, no I do not. And I’m pretty sure my brother knows that. But he’s single, and a sucker for pretty girls who give him compliments.

  4. You are fabulos, charming and beatiful and dont need no dead sea (extremly expensive) mineral crap to be that way. Lets not forget you are the mommy of two wonderful kitties.

  5. Your eyeliner is extra stupendous today. And maxi-dresses are AWESOME. I’ve been rockin’ em for years, but they weren’t called maxi-dresses then. They were called I’m 5’4″ And My Mom’s 6′ and I Steal Her Hippie Stuff Dresses.

  6. My bookstore is a mall anchor store, and I swear to you, there’s a reason why I always take my breaks in-house. The dudes all dressed in black, the Men in Black, if you will, pimping the Dead Sea mineral products scare the bejeebus out of me, and they target you hard and fast from miles away. The day someone tries to accost me at Target and tries to get me to buy Cetaphil is the day I’m doomed!

  7. People who accost me in malls get the Evil Glare of Death. Nothing annoys me more when I’m trying to shop.
    Maxi-dresses, umm, only if you are a size 2 and 6 feet tall. I’ve watched enough Tim Gunn to know my 5’3 self should not go longer than knee-length.

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