Hello, humans. Lulu speaking. I have a few things to say about things that have been going on around here, and you are going to listen, because that is what the humans do. Or else they get the hose again. Understood? Good. On we go.
Of course we need to address the human situation around this place. I cannot tell you what I am forced to endure every day, because you will weep and rend your garments and tear out your hair at the horror, yes, humans, the horror of what I, Lulu, have to put up with in this madhouse. The human female with whom I live gives you a hint of the utter insanity that wreaks havoc here every day, but it is nothing compared to the truth. And let me tell you, I am FULL of truth. So here's an example.
The woman has begun talking to the computer. Now I have no problem with the computer, usually. It's quiet, other than when she is playing that wretched music, and it keeps the human female occupied, usually by letting her write in the voice of that horrid beast Stewart. And we know how entertaining THAT is.
Not at all, is the answer.
But lately, she's completely lost her mind, and has actually begun SPEAKING, out LOUD to the computer. And this is disturbing, because it doesn't take someone as intelligent as a cat to know that there are no real people in the computer. Yet, she persists. There is apparently something called "video chat" that allows humans to see and speak to each other over the interweb, and that? Is crazy. Haven't you human creatures evolved enough to see and speak to each other in PERSON? And don't give me that "Oh, we live far away from each other" crap. I don't even drive, and I've lived in 6 different states. Get in the damn car.
So the human female speaks, out loud, to the computer, to a moving picture of a certain human we're calling "The Professor" because that is his occupation. This isn't hard, people. Try to keep up. So she spends HOURS talking at the little picture, and well…This is hard to say, but…Oh hell, whatever.
I'm a little jealous. Just a drop. So I seek REVENGE. I get right up to her head and SLAM my forehead into her face. Over and over I do this. And I make sure this Professor person can see me doing this, so he remembers who gets the attention in this little household. That's ME. I get the attention, not a little moving picture on the computer. So I bury my head in the human female's neck and writhe about, which yes, is a little undignified, but I am MARKING her so this Professor person doesn't get any funny ideas as to who the human female belongs to. The answer is ME. And the Professor says "oh how cute, the cat loves you soooooo much" but he is deluded. I am marking my human. It's like feline Lojack. I can trace her anywhere she goes now.
It's called "love" in human language, I am told, but I have no idea what that means, so I call a spade a spade and call it insurance. Insurance that Lulu will always come first. Always.
And if I catch this Professor person anywhere near my kibble, we'll have some serious problems. Oh yes. Yes we will.
That's all for now. Go do something human-y. This blog entry is done, and you're quite welcome. I know you've enjoyed it. Of course you have.
Your lord and master,