Oh, Baseball Fans…Really? Really.

There's something about New York sports fans that makes them, oh, I don't know. BATSHIT INSANE when they go to a game. I'm all for team spirit, even if it's for the Yankees (bleh) but the social experiment that the Professor and I saw on the train to NYC last weekend was truly something to behold. Witness.

In order to be a baseball fan, apparently you need to wear the uniform. Why? Perhaps you were hoping that you could get put in as a pinch hitter in the 7th inning? Live the dream, people! So. According to our train ride, you must wear:

  • the team's uniform shirt
  • the team's cap
  • the team's twee little nylon backpack

A word about the twee little backpack. The Prof and I were wondering what the hell one puts in a twee little nylon backpack. This was an IMPORTANT ISSUE.

Me: You could put your chewing tobacco in it.
The Prof: No, silly, that goes in your back pocket. You could put your commemorative program in the backpack.
Me: Or…I'VE GOT IT.
The Prof: The baseball you stepped on a 7 year old to catch?
Me: Nope. Better.
The Prof: Leftover hot dogs? Commemorative beer cup?
Me: FOAM FINGER. We're #1!!!!
The Prof: You're killing me.
Me: We're #1! Foam fingers rule!

Then, of course, you need to get into the mindset. To do so, you need approximately four hundred cheap beers in your system. So where to do that? The train, of course! We were one car away from a group of extrordinarily loud baseball fans who were WOOing and yelling and drinking all the live long day, out of a 24 pack ON THE TRAIN. Did you know you could do that? Apparently you can. Learn something new every day. So now you have the mindset and the uniform.

Oh! Be sure you dress your children in the uniform as well. The drunkenness is optional.

So this would be almost bearable, yes? I mean, we needed EARPLUGS for the incessant WOOing, but that's sports fans for ya. There was one thing though, that we could not abide, nor should anyone else.

The Spit Cup.

Yes, friends, the spit cup. For the chaw, the chew, the nasty ass tobacco and saliva combo that comes with chewing tobacco. Spit cups. ON THE TRAIN. Where people can SEE YOU.

The Prof: *mute from horror*
Me: Ew.
The Prof: "…"
Me: That's…ew.
The Prof: *stares*
Me: That's…Unneccesary, to say the least.
The Prof: *eyes bug out of head*
Me: I agree wholeheartedly.

So there you have it. That's what you need in order to go to the baseball game. Be sure your kids see all of this, by the way. They already have the uniform, and they can dream that night of spit cups and Coors Light, to be just like the grownups. Ah, living the dream.

Ptooooey!!!

005


Comments

Oh, Baseball Fans…Really? Really. — 9 Comments

  1. The only good thing I have ever seen come from chewing tobacco was watching my step-witch mistakenly drink from a beer bottle spitoon……damn that was a kick ass day!

  2. Did you hear about the incessant booing at the outrageously overpriced and EMPTY seats at Yankee Stadium…? Muhwhahahahahahahahaha.
    Seriously, you need to come down for a visit (bring the Prof.) and come to a Sand Gnats game. It is wonderful. We went yesterday at 1035am (baseball field trip!) for Education Day. They brought school kids in, and they were freaking hysterical. It doesn’t get much better than a 5 year-old (in little kid voice) yelling things like, “For CRYING out LOUD, he was SAFE!” and “C’mon, swing at it!”
    Plus, it’s way cheaper, and now they have a Lady & Sons food stand.

  3. I just went to Six Flags Great America, and this guy in line in front of me was chewing Skoal. He was spitting all over the path and railing…and then he spit on my elbow. ON! MY! ELBOW!!!!
    Eww!
    I wiped it on him.

  4. Yeah, i have a firm no baseball gear at the baseball game rule (except the hate — which is less so much to support the team but more to protect my delicately pale skin)…
    I only recently got into baseball – go sox (I whisper it…its more of telepathic communication)…

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