That’s How We Do It In The K-I-T-C-H-E-N, Bitches!

Y'all? I am so mean to poor Snarky Amber. So mean! She tries so hard to help me eat like a grownup, and all I do is cut and paste IM conversations about it, conversations that do not show her IMPECCABLE grammar and spelling, which, dudes. Impeccable. I needed spellcheck for that. Anyway.

Snarky Amber is my homegirl, and sent me this after my last post about not having anything in my cabinets but snack cakes:

010 Ha. Ha. Ha.

BUT! This book RULES!!! It really DOES teach you all the embarrassing things about cooking that you totally pretended you knew but didn't, y'all? Not only do I now know how to boil an egg, but THERE'S A DIAGRAM!!!!! I'm so excited.

So I was feeling all fancy, and decided I was gonna use the stuff that the Professor flung into the grocery cart while grumbling about chicken nuggets being from the devil  so kindly procured for me and I got some RICE (wow!) and some LENTILS (hot damn!) and some VEGETABLES (not even from a can!) and…hold on to your asses…MADE DINNER. Witness!!!

009 I can do this! Where's the fire extinguisher?

008 TWO FOOD HOLDERS. AND FIRE. HOLY HOPPING SHIT, PEOPLE, GET ME THE NOBEL PRIZE.

007 Y'all? I made rice. And the house didn't burn down. CALL THE NEWS.

006 I sauteed, people. And IMPROVISED. Did you think those zucchini and tomatoes were in the recipe? THEY WERE NOT.

011 PUT IT IN YOUR MOUTH. YUMMY IN YOUR TUMMY.

Sniff. My baby. My delicious, delicious baby. Oh! Make the rice n' lentils with corriander, instead of allspice. I do not want my rice to taste like pie.

Mmm. Pie.

So there you have it! I cooked! So thanks for the book, my beloved Snarky Amber, and thanks for the ingredients and spices, my darling Professor!

I can't believe I didn't end up in the emergency room. Seriously, people. This is a red-letter day.

014


Comments

That’s How We Do It In The K-I-T-C-H-E-N, Bitches! — 6 Comments

  1. Hahaha. I can so sympathize with this. I’m lucky enough that my husband enjoys cooking and does 90% of it on a regular basis, but I just took on baking. I’ve successfully made a few batches of cookies – and. people. ate. them. I think it was a matter of tackling that “first-time” apprehension, you know? (and now I have “like a virgin” stuck in my head, ha)
    Three cheers to you and your cooking efforts! Looks deelish.

  2. YAY!!! I am so proud of you!! ::wipes tear::
    I am so getting that book for my friend who really has no idea how to cook, but thinks she can. Then she doesn’t have to feel like an ass about stuff. Also your rice and lentils and veggies look TASTY! Nummers for mah belleh!

  3. Yes! CHOCOLATE CAKE, no less.
    However, I recommend buying Amy Sedaris’s book “I Like You” and using her cake recipes as they are TO DIE. And very Southern, in that they have about a pound of butter.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

CommentLuv badge