Mah Brain, She Hurts

I've been having nightmares. Nightmares about running. Forgetting things. Being yelled at. Routines, schedules, forgetting to do things in order. Vivid, crazy nightmares. They suck. Of course they're related to the show, a show wherein a cheat sheet of my costume change cues reside, a piece of paper that I would be entirely lost without.

I lost it opening night.

At curtain.

Oh shit.

I found it, but there was such a moment of absolute dread I can't begin to tell you. But I found it and all was well. My brain might have popped that night.

And so I present conversations that I have tried to have in the last week that…didn't go so well.

The Professor: I miss you, babe!
Me: I miss you too, babe! I miss you like I almost missed the costume change for the conductor last night!
The Professor: Is…that…a lot?
Me: That's A LOT. Can you imagine if I missed that change?
The Professor: *very patiently* Um, no. Because I don't know what you're talking about.
Me: I'm talking about how much I miss you!
The Professor: *sigh* If you say so.

He's so patient, people. I have not the words.

And of course there is backstage.

Me: We simply cannot have a show in half an hour. We had a matinee!
Actor: Nope, no chance at all.
Me: Obviously no show. We just had one about 20 seconds ago.
Actor: Clearly.
Actor and Me: *hysterical laughing, bordering on tears*
Intercom: Fifteen minutes to places!
Actors, Me, fellow crew members: AW HELLS NAH! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!

Well meaning friend: How are you?
Me: Well, there's this change into the Mad Priests that I haven't quite gotten the hang of yet.
Friend: No, I mean, how ARE you?
Me: And I have to track this hat from stage left to stage right, and I opened the door during a blackout.
Friend: WHAT IS WRONG?
Me: I know, right? I could have messed up the lighting!
Friend: I'm getting very concerned about you.
Me: I change someone's trousers 37 times, you know. Is that a record?
Friend: I'm calling the nice men in the white coats.
Me: Oh, the white coats aren't until the second act, don't worry.
Friend: Don't…worry? Too late, buster.
Me: Gotta go.
Friend: Please wear a helmet.

So that's life in the theatre. Glamorous, is it not. But FUNNY! I mean, this has been…funny? Right?

Sob.


Comments

Mah Brain, She Hurts — 3 Comments

  1. I think I like theatre the most for all the “backstage” stuff — it’s like being a magician’s assistant.

  2. *GASP* For DAYS there has been this invisible white box in your comment box that hid all the text I typed in the top left corner…and when I went to leave a comment today, it disappeared! FINALLY!
    Anywho…I’m glad you’re still around. And it has been funny. But painful for you.

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