In Which I Should Have Considered Pants

So I have this dress. It's a little sundress that I got for ONE AMERICAN DOLLAR at a Salvation Army thrift store, and I love it. It's light and airy and totally shapeless and heinously ugly, and it's…okay, it's the short equivalent of a housedress, and at least it's not a muumuu, so leave me be.

I would totally wear a muumuu.

Anyhoo, I was doing laundry today on my one precious day off, and I decided to wear The Dress. It was breezy and warm outside, and FINE, nothing else was clean. So I put on my little dress and did some errands.

Did I mention it was breezy? It was breezy. And y'all know me, so of course you know where this is going.

I hop in the car (whoosh goes the skirt) and went to the grocery store. Got my groceries, paid, went out of the store, towards the car and…


UP went the skirt, DOWN went my hands to cover mah business, and AWAY went my cart. Come back, cart! You contain nuggets!!!! So did I gather the skirt in my hand so it couldn't fly all over the place as I fled to capture my cart before it hit that LEXUS OH MY GOD????

No. Of course i didn't. I let that skirt FLY, people. And I hope the poor old dude who looks like he has never smiled in his life who collects the carts enjoys underpants with monkeys on them, cause WHOA BOY DID HE SEE THEM. So did a gaggle of mean girls off to buy Diet Cokes at the drug store, and some senior citizens and soccer moms. WITNESS MY DRAWERS, NEW JERSEY!!!!

I slammed one hand over my lady parts, (WOOSH went the skirt over my ass) and caught the cart (WOOSH) and I had a vision of those little girls who proudly grab their dresses and fling them over their heads to display their big girl underpants.

People. I was showing everyone my big girl underpants. And they had monkeys on them.

I FLED to my car, my dress floating like a SAIL behind me, and THREW the bags of groceries into the car (WOOSH!) dumped the cart in a non-designated space (I'm SO SORRY, Man who never smiles, but…NAKED HERE) and hurled myself into the car, speeding away like I was in the Indy 500.

And so ends the story-

Oh wait.

I had to get the groceries OUT of the car at my apartment.

WOOSH goes the dress.

"Hi!" goes my neighbor lady.


And this, friends, is YET ANOTHER REASON I should have a helmet, or a caregiver, or some DAMN PANTS.



In Which I Should Have Considered Pants — 7 Comments

  1. Oh, it’s a cute dress. And…you have the same camera as the boy! It’s a good one!
    Hilarious story. And I apologize for laughing at your misfortune. Which I most certainly did…not because it was YOUR misfortune, but…you know…

  2. my big-girl underpants have pigeons on them. and i have this one skirt that i realized when i wore it a few weeks ago, affter not wearing it in years, can go WHOOSH and reveal to the entire undergraduate population and the entire faculty population of the university where I study and teach that–well–almost-32-year-old-women like bright blue undies with pigeons all over them…
    i feel you, sister…

  3. This made me laugh. Reminds me of the day when a bunch of other parents at school saw the waistline of my Pooh Bear boxer shorts. I know it’s totally different for guys, because our underwear isn’t as sexualized as women’s. Kudos for you for having your priorities straight. I know a few women who would totally have chosen to maintain their modesty at the cost of lost groceries or a damaged automobile.

  4. First rule of underpants: When wearing a skirt, always wear underpants that you are not ashamed to be seen in.
    I really like full circle skirts. I buy underpants to match them.
    I bought a child’s skirt with attached shorts last week.

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