So I have this dress. It's a little sundress that I got for ONE AMERICAN DOLLAR at a Salvation Army thrift store, and I love it. It's light and airy and totally shapeless and heinously ugly, and it's…okay, it's the short equivalent of a housedress, and at least it's not a muumuu, so leave me be.
I would totally wear a muumuu.
Anyhoo, I was doing laundry today on my one precious day off, and I decided to wear The Dress. It was breezy and warm outside, and FINE, nothing else was clean. So I put on my little dress and did some errands.
Did I mention it was breezy? It was breezy. And y'all know me, so of course you know where this is going.
I hop in the car (whoosh goes the skirt) and went to the grocery store. Got my groceries, paid, went out of the store, towards the car and…
UP went the skirt, DOWN went my hands to cover mah business, and AWAY went my cart. Come back, cart! You contain nuggets!!!! So did I gather the skirt in my hand so it couldn't fly all over the place as I fled to capture my cart before it hit that LEXUS OH MY GOD????
No. Of course i didn't. I let that skirt FLY, people. And I hope the poor old dude who looks like he has never smiled in his life who collects the carts enjoys underpants with monkeys on them, cause WHOA BOY DID HE SEE THEM. So did a gaggle of mean girls off to buy Diet Cokes at the drug store, and some senior citizens and soccer moms. WITNESS MY DRAWERS, NEW JERSEY!!!!
I slammed one hand over my lady parts, (WOOSH went the skirt over my ass) and caught the cart (WOOSH) and I had a vision of those little girls who proudly grab their dresses and fling them over their heads to display their big girl underpants.
People. I was showing everyone my big girl underpants. And they had monkeys on them.
I FLED to my car, my dress floating like a SAIL behind me, and THREW the bags of groceries into the car (WOOSH!) dumped the cart in a non-designated space (I'm SO SORRY, Man who never smiles, but…NAKED HERE) and hurled myself into the car, speeding away like I was in the Indy 500.
And so ends the story-
I had to get the groceries OUT of the car at my apartment.
WOOSH goes the dress.
"Hi!" goes my neighbor lady.
"YES, THEY HAVE MONKEYS, DON"T YOU JUDGE ME" howls I.
And this, friends, is YET ANOTHER REASON I should have a helmet, or a caregiver, or some DAMN PANTS.