Sometimes I get concerned about my sanity. And by "sometimes" I mean all the days and into the nights. Like, I know y'all like the Actual Conversations that I write, but does it make me…weird? Doesn't everyone invent people and things to talk to during the day? I mean, it's not like I'm hearing VOICES here, at least not yet, you never know – and I KNOW y'all talk to your pets, I mean, I've had real grown up conversations with my parents interrupted by my mom needing to tell the dog she's Mom's little angel baby, so don't even front with that. I talked to my GOLDFISH, people. You talk to your pets, don't even lie.
And yes, I write about the cats as if they have a great deal of vocal skills and an impressive vocabulary, especially Lulu, because I like to think of her as an Oxford graduate with a doctorate who happens to poop in a box, and Stewie…Well…to quote Marge Simpson, we love Stewie. He's our special little guy. So he's not so bright! That's okay, right?
Anyway, my point is that as a writer, the Actual Conversations come to me much easier than the standard blog, and I love writing them. So, enjoy this brief snippet between me and Common Sense on the drive to and fro the supermarket today.
Me: I need a food! A FOOOOOOOOOOOD!
Common Sense: Get a salad.
Me: OOooh, maybe a calzone EXPLODING with cheese!
Common Sense: Or a salad.
Me: Or a PIZZA.
Common Sense: Salad.
Common Sense: Again I persist: Salad.
(after the shopping)
Common Sense: I can't believe you.
Me: (mouth full, eating in the car, exactly what one is not supposed to do) Murfle?
Common Sense: A sloppy joe. Really? Not a salad?
Me: Mouf full. Bite me.
Common Sense: Oh wait, people will think I mean a Manwich. People not from the great and powerful Garden State.
Me: (muffled) Essplain it oooh dem.
Common Sense: Readers. A sloppy joe is a roast beef, swiss cheese, coleslaw and russian dressing sandwich on rye bread. Not the Manwich thing.
Me: Damm stwaight. *chew chew chew*
Common Sense: And need I remind you how NON-NUTRITIOUS it is?
Me: An' ummy.
Common Sense: Yummy, yes. But still, you should have gotten a salad.
Me: You no fun. *finishes eating, barrelling through traffic*
Common Sense: Is there a traffic law we HAVEN'T broken today?
Me: Listen, the old lady in front of us has had her blinker on for three miles. Don't you sass me.
So…you DON'T have these conversations in your head? It's just me? Fantastic. Now I'm officially actively psychotic. Awesome. Oh well, it was bound to happen. And if it's in my head, you're gonna hear about it, so…enjoy my madness, people!
And get it straight about the sandwich. Is v.v. important.