The Lunatic Goes To Blockbuster

Me: I don't know why I'm even here. I need Netflix. This sucks. I can't even find what I'm looking for. THIS IS NOT ALPHABETICAL, assholes! This sucks a big bag of dicks. I'm so pissed. I want horror movies, jerks! Why is everything out of order??? Here, I'll fix it. Wait. I don't work at Blockbuster. Goddammit. I shouldn't be doing this. But still! What if people want to rent "Dawn of the Dead" like me? It's in with the "F" section, I HAVE TO FIX IT. No, I don't have OCD, I'm just sitting on the floor alphabetizing these movies. Carry on.

Lady (To employee of Blockfucker: I am looking for that movie with the guy in the weird white mask.

Me (thinking) "Scream." She means "Scream." No way  she's going for "Halloween." It's "Scream."

Lady: And there are teenagers.

Me: (thinking) IT'S "SCREAM."

Lady: And it's kind of funny.

Me: (bellowing, OUT LOUD.) IT'S "SCREAM."

Lady: Oh thank you! That's it!

Me: It's a keeper for the comedy, but it's not scary in the least. (approaching like a mental patient) What are you looking for? (smiling insanely)

Lady: (pointing at daughter, who is probably 12) First slumber party!

Me: (apoplectic) Oh. Emm. Gee. Can I help??? I LOVE horror movies!!!!!!!!!!

Lady: Please do!!!!

Me: (squealing) OKAY!!!!!!!! So what you want first is "Carrie" so they don't become mean. Then you need "The Shining" so they'll be too scared to sleep. Then you need "Scream" to calm them down. That should be enough, but if you want to go the whole way, and I mean DEDICATION, you'll rent "It" and be done. They'll never sleep again. They'll be in your bed, kicking you in their sleep, and you can't say no cause you're the Mom.

Lady: You've certainly given this a lot of thought.


Lady: ……! need to go.

Me: OKAY!!!! Hey kid! Have a nice time! Hope you can ever sleep again!!!!

Lady: (flees)

And this is why I need a caregiver.


The Lunatic Goes To Blockbuster — 7 Comments

  1. I think we rented a movie called Big Bag of Dicks once. Suffice to say, there were things in it that were, indeed, scary, but not scary enough!

  2. WTF dude, you get a life and leave the rest of us losers behind? Just kidding, hope you’re having fun! I do miss the daily entries but I guess I should try to get out more too, LOL.

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