Oh my precious little squirrels. How terrible I've been, not updating for fourteen million years! I don't really have any excuses, other than I've had wicked writer's block and my question mark key hasn't been working. Lame? Yes. But it's working again, see? ??????????????????? Awesome.
Let us speak of Lulu, who, as you may recall, is a whore and a slut when it comes to men, and things have not changed, even though she looks more and more like Jabba the Hutt every day.
She, to no one's shock whatsoever, loves the Prof, and when the cable guy was here the other day…well, let me act this out for you.
Cable Guy, hunched over cable box, fiddling with wires: So, here's the new box, and…what the…
Cable Guy: She's friendly!
Me: She's a whore.
Cable Guy: What?
Me: She's a filthy tramp.
Lulu: *rolls onto her back, bats Cable Guy with a paw*
Cable Guy: Aw.
Me: Don't be fooled. She's like this with all men.
Me: See that? She's PURRING. She's PLAYING. She's not sitting on the chair, SCOWLING, which is what she does every day for eleventy hours a day when she's not YELLING for food. She doesn't even bite, she SNEERS. But YOU, Cable Guy, are a MAN, and therefore she LOVES you, because she is a filthy TROLLOP.
Cable Guy: We…We're still talking about the cat, right?
Lulu: *snuggles Cable Guy's BUTT, for chrissakes* Mow. Moooooooow.
Me: See! The Whore of Babylon! You should see her with my boyfriend, it's OBSCENE.
Cable Guy: Okay! All done! Sign here please, PLEASE, and we'll be all done.
Lulu: *winds around Cable Guy's feet* Prrrrrrrrrrrrrr.
Me: Want her? Take her. Get married in Vegas. Mrs. Lulu Cable Guy. It has a ring to it.
Cable Guy: OKAY, BYE!
Me: I hope you are satisfied, missy. I hope you are satisfied.
Lulu: *bonks head on door, mewls for the Cable Guy.
Me: You ain't Juliet, fatty. He's not coming back.
Lulu: Mow? Mow? Mow? HISS. *stomps off*
Me: Tragedy for the ages.
I'm baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack, bitches!