Into The Woods

Scene: My apartment. Miss Banshee is on the couch, The Prof is in the kitchen.

INSTANT MESSAGE FROM THE PROF! DING!

The Prof: What should we do, Miss?
Me: Are you IMing me from the kitchen?
The Prof: 🙂
Me: You silly.
(laugh from kitchen)
The Prof: Let's go for a walk!
Me: It's 394980% humidity. Are you daft?
The Prof: It's great outside! I need to stretch my legs, I need to walk, I NEED TO GO GO GO!
Me: Fine. Let's go to the park. *sigh*

In the park:

The Prof: This is paved. This is not nature.
Me: This is JERSEY nature. Look! A deer!
The Prof: In my country, we don't pave nature.
Me: Your country. Being Syracuse?
The Prof: Yes.
Me: Very well.

Further on the path:

Me: Uh oh. My feet are hurting. I'm getting blisters.
The Prof: there are these things called SOCKS. You should look into them.
Me: I know what socks are. I have several pairs.
The Prof: Several pairs, none of which you are wearing.
Me: Harumph.
The Prof: Are your feet really hurting?
Me: *takes off shoe to reveal raw blisters*
The Prof: You really are a delicate flower, aren't you.
Me: I'M DELICATE!!!
The Prof: Well, we're a mile out. What are you going to do?
Me: Um, walk anyway? Unless you want to tote me.
The Prof: Not going to happen.
Me: Well, on we go then. Even though my shoes are filling with blood, I will persist.
The Prof: A mile. And your feet are ground beef. You need boot camp.
Me: I need you to tote me!
The Prof: No.

Going back to the car, The Prof picks up a large rock:

The Prof: I'm going to throw this at that tree.
Me: You're…What?
The Prof: That big tree all the way over there. I'm gonna hit it with this rock.
Me: Um…WHY?
The Prof: I can do it!
Me: I don't doubt that, I just can't help but ponder WHY.
The Prof: *increasingly frustrated* I'm gonna hit it!
Me: FOR THE LOVE OF BABY JEEBUS IN THE HIGHCHAIR, WHY?
The Prof: *bellowing* BECAUSE I'M A BOY!!!!!!!!!!
Me: Oh. Well. That makes perfect sense. Carry on.
The Prof: *lobs rock at tree*
*KERPOW!!!!*
The Prof: *proudly* I hit it.
Me: Good job, baby! I'll arrange the parade.

At the car:

Me: I need a beverage. And a movie. And a food. And new feet. And my house. And my couch. And my television. And another beverage. I would slaughter millions for a Diet Coke.
The Prof: I need earplugs.
Me: Hunt and gather!
The Prof: So glad we went on this walk, babe.
Me: DIET COKE.
The Prof: *sighs the sigh of the utterly defeated*


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