Me: Oh, hi, Ghost of Billy Mays! Sorry about that whole, uh, death thing.
Ghost of Billy Mays: BILLY MAYS HERE FROM THE AFTERLIFE!!!!!
Me: Yeah! How IS that afterlife thing treating you, Billy? I mean, it sucks how you just up and DIED, you know? You weren't even on anyone's death pool list!
GoBM: BILLY MAYS WASN'T ON A DEATH POOL LIST?!?!!
Me: Not that I know of. You seemed so full of life, Billy. It's a damn shame. No one has benefited from your demise, Billy boy. Is that a comfort?
GoBM: BILLY MAYS ISN'T SURE.
Me: Aw, c'mon Billy. The afterlife has to be cool, right? Oh, did you and Farrah and Jacko and Ed McMahon need to share a cab or something? Because THAT would be awesome.
GoBM: BILLY MAYS TOOK THE BUS.
Me: The bus??!?!? Billy my boy, you deserve much better than the bus. Oooooooh, I get it. Ol' MJ had to have the motorcade, right? Always the showman, Mikey was. And Farrah probably took a hot air balloon or a flying unicorn or something, aw, she deserves it, poor thing. So you were stuck on the crosstown bus to the Pearly Gates? Couldn't you have carpooled with Ed?
Ghost of Ed McMahon: HIYO!!!! ED MCMAHON FLEW ON A GIANT PUBLISHERS CLEARINGHOUSE CHECK!
Me: Whoa. Like a…
GoEMcM: LIKE A MAGIC CARPET! HIYO!!!!
Me: Is everyone this loud in the afterlife?
Ghost of Billy Mays: BILLY MAYS ISN'T LOUD.
Me: Uh, yeah. Billy Mays has a hearing problem that didn't get fixed with death, methinks.
GoBM: BILLY MAYS WASN'T READY TO DIE YET.
Me: You know, Bill, that's the tragedy of it all. Ed was old, like, OLD old; Farrah was sick for WAY too long, bless her, and MJ…well…I honestly have no idea what to say about Michael Jackson, and I'm not going to try, because when I think about him, my brain shivers. It's COLD. In my BRAIN. And that can't be healthy. But YOU, Billy Mays! You had so much living to do! So many more products to introduce the world to! So many beards to sport! The world is a more empty place without you, Bill. Seriously.
GoBM: BILLY MAYS APPRECIATES YOUR SENSITIVITY TO BILLY MAYS' UNFORTUNATE SITUATION.
Me: Aw, no problem, Billy. What would make you feel better? C'mon, how can I cheer you up? No one wants to see Billy Mays sad. Hell, you're already dead, it would be a real tragedy if you were dead AND bummed out. Go on, tell me. What'll turn that bearded frown upside down?
GoBM: BILLY MAYS IS GONNA HAUNT THE SHIT OUT OF THE SLAP CHOP ASSHOLE.
Me: That's the spirit!!! I'm so proud of you, Billy!
GoBM: BILLY MAYS FEELS BETTER NOW.
Me: I'll pour out some OxyClean for you, my man. Rest in peace, yo.