The Pieces

Doing what I'm supposed to do. Moving. Doing. Writing. Cleaning up, throwing away things that are too emotionally charged to keep around, re-claiming other things as "mine" not "ours." Tag-teaming a snark-fest with Amber about reality tv. Things I used to do before the rug was pulled out. Yes. This is normal, this is what I'm supposed to be doing. Very good.

The tears still come at random moments, not weeping and gnashing teeth, but two trails down my face that take their sweet time stopping. They'll stop, eventually, I know. But I'm not waiting for that to happen today.

Friends make me laugh, share in my pain, are just THERE, which is more than I could ever ask for. I am so grateful for friends that words to describe just can't suffice.

But under it all is an angry cacophony of self-loathing, of confusion, of the eternal "why" that can't be answered.

"How are you?" I am asked.

I feel like an asshole, an idiot, a chump, a fool.

That will pass too, I'm sure. But not today.


Comments

The Pieces — 10 Comments

  1. Yes, you’re doing it right.
    The feelings suck. But they’re just feelings.. So don’t be afraid to feel them. They won’t go away until they run their course.. but they will run their course, and things will get better.
    Slowly but surely.
    Hang in there.
    *Hugs*

  2. Yeah, that’s how I felt. That was probably the worst part. It’s so strange though because there’s just no basis for it. We can’t put lie detector chips in people’s brains. A person could be the most fabulous, beautiful, brilliant, lovable man/woman and it can happen to them. And everyone knows that. So it’s basically up to people not to be jerks to each other. You aren’t one. You deserve no self-recrimination.
    The crazy thing is that there really isn’t an answer to ‘why’ because the damage done doesn’t link up to the person’s decision very well. It’s like someone just runs over someone else with a car. The person running over the other person might just be acting on some angry impulse. But the ramifications are huge. So people will be like ‘what would make you do crap that would have such devastating ramifications?’ Because it is irrational, the murderer wouldn’t be able to explain why–because they were just acting on impulse, not choosing to devastate many lives. It’s so frustrating but there isn’t a good answer to ‘why’. And the universe doesn’t give us good answers. And God doesn’t. I realize I’m probably annoying you now. Sorry.
    I’m so glad you have friends in this situation. It happened to me when I was in a new city and I knew no one. I did get rather svelte. I lost a ton of weight because I was too sick to eat and the only way to deal with my emotions was go running. I don’t know you at all but I’m really, really glad to hear about your friends.

  3. Oh Sweetie, both Zoe (my gorgeous feline, who says “hello!” to Stewie & thinks he’s cute) & I are hurting for you. So much pain going on right now. We are both sending hugs & purrrs. We also wish to remind you to wear non-painful shoes to BlogHer– your feet look like they are in pain, too.
    Nadine & Zoe

  4. I don’t know you in RL (as they say) but from what I’ve read (and I’ve read all your posts) you seem like a very wonderful, strong person and you’ve made me laugh when quite honestly I was so down I didn’t feel like I could make it through another day. It breaks my heart to see you hurting. I know how it feels to hurt over a mans cruelty and the only advice I can offer is to KEEP doing what you’re supposed to do because I didn’t (I gave up) and here I am a year later more messed up than I started.

  5. Wish I had some insight to give that would make it stop hurting, or even make it make sense. I don’t. I just know that there is no acceptable reason to cheat on someone. It’s immature and cowardly. I guess you can be relieved to find this out sooner rather than later.
    In the meantime, let yourself be sad, but not too sad. You are still you, and you are awesome. Don’t let yourself get too low. Watch silly TV, sleep, take care of yourself for another day. It WILL get better.

  6. Obviously, this is not your fault at all, we cannot control when others lie to us. In addition to embracing the burning hot red rage of a woman scorned (I prefer rage to sadness – more yelling, less tears) I would also pity this idiot. He screwed over the best he could possibly hope to get due to his selfishness. Trust me, karma is a bitch.
    Stay strong, do some working out if you can, and stick to the routines. You will come through this stronger and wiser. I am sending you positive thoughts, an iron will to persevere, and a good dose of rage – enjoy!

  7. Fuck that dude. You need macho male friends in white tank-tops to slash his tires.
    Guys tell each other to just go get laid. Does that work for girls?
    He’s mesmerized by some Greek drama playing out in his tortured soul. It’s not about you, sweetie.

  8. I have to believe what BHJ is saying.One day Miss B,you shall look on this and give it a hardy hohoheehee chuckle and until then you just hold your head up and go forth.

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